OK I have to get this one out there.

One thing that really pisses me off is not being able to turn the table. I time my eaters, and I want them out of the house in 15 minutes or less. Being a small restaurant with only five tables I come up with new ways to rid my patrons faster and faster.

The newspaper machine in front of the restaurant is my enemy.
I have figured out that patrons with newspapers in hand are going to linger. So I take a measly quarter and evict every newspaper from the machine, then I throw them all in the garbage can. And I have no problem with doing this.

Another trick of mine is to sit the shiftless drifter next to a lingering party of coffee drinkers. Now these mangrove monkeys smell so bad, the lingering table is sure to be offended and can’t get out of the house quick enough. Just remember to seat the stinky bums strategically.

After church on Sunday out for breakfast. Now these people will tie up a table for over an hour. What I like to do is swear alot. I always tell these types that my special is “Shit on a Shingle”. I always make their change come out to 6.66 . I have no problem drawing little pentagrams on the individual creamers before I place them on their table either. If they hand me a church pamphlet(most of them do this) I let them know that I worship the Devil.

If a server is constantly pacing back at your table shooting you death stares, that means get the hell out.