This morning a slightly slower than average woman in her late eighties came in with her nurse. They both ordered the Lumberjack Platter. That’s three eggs, hashed browns, two buttermilk flap jacks, and two of either ham, bacon, steak, sausage links/patties, or corned beef hash. Anyway, the pair had ordered and I had given them their drinks. It doesn’t take long to cook breakfast. About four minutes after the two had ordered the nurse excused herself to go defile the restroom. It was so bad that the toilet seat had to be replaced. But that’s another story. While the nurse was in the water closet, I delivered the food. Mistake. The elderly woman started gently licking a sausage link like a fluffer in a Seka flick. It went down hill from there. She leaned over to the gentleman next to her and said “I like a hot hard sausage.” Then pointed to a man across the restaurant and yelled, “JUST LIKE HIM! HE LIKES HOT HARD SAUSAGES!” Everyone turned to look at the poor fellow. Sad thing is we all agreed with the old crazy lady. She then brandished the breakfast meat at the man and started to say in a disturbingly seductive whisper that rose to a high pitched screech, “Touch my hot, hard, sausage. You want it!” This went on for twenty-five minutes. When the nurse finally returned the crazy lady had calmed down. The man next to her was calling for his check. The man she accosted with her pork stick had run out crying. I had taken the liberty of packing their food in a to-go container and comped. the meal. The nurse thanked me and gave me a modest tip. She was grinning ear to ear as she left. It took me ten hours to figure out that they had had that planned.
24 Responses to ' Touch My Sausage. '
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on December 19th, 2007 at 12:05 am
I would like to hear the story about the toilet seat next.
Please.
on December 19th, 2007 at 1:43 am
That’s fantastic. I hope I can still get up to that kind of michief when I’m in my eighties.
on December 19th, 2007 at 6:55 am
Most creative way I have ever heard of to get a free meal. I guess that was their take on the “When Harry Met Sally” scene. LOL!
on December 19th, 2007 at 8:27 am
I wonder how long it took the pair of them to cook up that little gig. They are probably playing the circuit of restaurants around town, accosting unsuspecting men and toilet seats with wicked abandon. I’m not sure I want to hear the toilet seat story but I betcha gonna tell it anyway…..:)
on December 19th, 2007 at 9:28 am
You are right Gypsy, I’m gonna tell it anyway. AB said “Please”. How can I say no to that?
on December 19th, 2007 at 10:08 am
My heart goes out to those who were closely related to the toilet seat while my penis goes out to anyone who loves to touch sausage.
on December 19th, 2007 at 10:16 am
I was going to say that the Lumberjack sounded great until you got to the bathroom part, which I can relate to as I posted on a defilement the other day myself.
But what a scam. Seriously, that is some pretty theaterical (sp?) work for a free breakfast.
on December 19th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
I just like any story that has “Touch my hot, hard, sausage. You want it!” followed immediately by: “This went on for twenty-five minutes.”
I aspire to five minutes….
on December 19th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Great story!
on December 19th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
Ah…a rare COLILF sighting (Crazy Old Lady I’d Like to F*ck).
I usually have to find these women in the homeless shelters…so the RCOLILF (Restaurant COLILF) is an even greater find.
Thanks in advance for posting the camera phone pics of her accosting the guy with the breakfast sausage.
on December 19th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
Dude, for that kind of entertainment it’s worth a free breakfast.
Did they take a bow as they left?
on December 19th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
BDS, Yes I saw that! What a crappy post. Some bosses have no shame. He needs an Ionic Breeze for X-mas.
Dennis, only 5 minutes? What are you an old man or something?
Axey, you are a new face! Welcome to my insane asylum. It’s too early to expose you to my wrath.
Qelqoth, the old lady stabbed it with a fork first. How does your heart feel now?
Ali, I’m with you. As long as we have full use of our middle fingers when we’re 80, we will be fine!
Jenny & Gypsy, you are sooo getting a toilet post tonight. Orrrr maybe not? You two are making me feel so conflicted.
on December 19th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
Oh I forgot Mr. DNA, there was no one left in the restaurant/audience to bow for. Sad isn’t it?
on December 19th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
Woooooo another new face. mooooog35, I knew this old lady post would bring out the freaks. I can’t believe you wouldn’t stalk the oldies at the assisted living home. At least they have money you fart knocker.
on December 19th, 2007 at 3:26 pm
Who said I wouldn’t stalk the ones at the assisted living homes? I just said the CRAZY ones are hard to find…not the overmedicated ones.
You’re mixing them up. Don’t worry…it’s a common mistake the first few times.
on December 19th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
Oh my. I don’t know moooog, I think you…….weeee Judge Judy is on. Back to your old ladies briefly! By then I should have something.
on December 19th, 2007 at 3:46 pm
I can’t wait to try that!
WhooooHooo!
on December 19th, 2007 at 4:00 pm
I think I’m old enough to try this. Wait. I’m a vegetarian. Damn.
on December 19th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
I want a stroy about bacon next!!!
on December 19th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
Okey, Judge Judy is over. I only get to watch that raging bitch on my days off! So back to mooog, stay away from my great grandma, and my great grandpa for that matter. They are hard to tell apart.
Blaze, spare us servers and patrons the pain palease. I was not trying to set an example for old-farts to mis-behave.
Jenny, all my co-workers became vegetarians on this day! Wait a minute. I just had a helping of Tube Steak(i really wasn’t watching Judge Judy). Ahh well, what’s a day off without getting a piece of meat?
on December 19th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
Heya Mosley, you are a funny person. Okay, between you, Jenny, and Gyspy, I am feeling alot of pressure. Toilets, no toilets, bacon.
on December 19th, 2007 at 6:26 pm
Well I’m here for the toilet post and I haven’t eaten yet so WHERE is it?
on December 19th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
Oh look who just rolled out of bed!
on December 19th, 2007 at 7:43 pm
aren’t we popular today……..but grrrrrr the dirty pair of swindlers…….now to the toilet story……and with pictures