Fun with Fruitcake.
This time of year I can always tell who really hates me because shithead co-workers the haters gift me with a fruitcake. I don’t get it. I like fruit. I fricking love cake more than bacon, but fruitcake just sucks! Because it won’t flush like the crap it is, I usually just chuck it into the trash. I can’t even stand looking at it. So this year got me thinking. What Can I do with that piece of shit gift fruitcake that I know I’m going to be gifted? Well who better to ask then a 9yr old kid. This is what my son came up with.
Little man said he’s about sick of the neighbors complaining so he will use it for the washer when it goes off balance. Well I got news for little man, those sounds aren’t the washer, it’s your mother and father bumping uglies in the laundry room.
He also found the fruitcake to be useful as a multi-functional bi-linear stabilization device for use with both digital and film cameras.
He discovered that fruitcakes are perfect as bookends. See those VHS tapes? Those are my naughty vids of the birds and the bees! I no longer own a VCR so those are essentially dust collectors.
Pretending to rip out the guts and suck out the brain, little man wrapped the fruitcake ever so carefully. He mummified it with toilet paper and pretended it was King Tutankhamun. Who ever the hell that is!
He used the fruitcake like it was some sort of meteoroid that destroyed the dinosaurs. Funny, doesn’t he know that dinosaurs never existed? Stupid kid. If you don’t believe me then ask Adam and Eve!
He stuck wheels on it and pretended it was a tank. He made these weird “vroom boom” sound effects. Finally after making the tank pop a few wheelies, the fruitTANK took enemy fire and was destroyed shortly after this picture. The D.O.D. denies this battle ever occurred.
Now that was a lot of fun for my son. So much that it started to get on my nerves. How can a Turd grader enjoy playing with a fruitcake? I started to get worried so I had to end this right away. I made the kid eat what was left of the mangled fruitTANK.
Gypsy on December 20th, 2007
What a little cutie!!! I wonder where he gets his vivid imagination from
Upset Waitress on December 20th, 2007
Gypsy, yes he’s adorable while spitting out a mouthful of molested fruitcake isn’t he?
Jenny on December 20th, 2007
Ahaha - the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it? It’s Little Upset Waiter!!
Blondefabulous on December 20th, 2007
Also, for your consideration….. door stop, table leveler, something to throw at the cat when he gets up at 4:30 am and plays, “Knock Shit Off of High Places”, funky cubist dildo, put it in a paper bag and light it on fire on a neighbor’s door step then ring the bell and run, Throw at kids knocking on bedroom door asking if you’re “done yet”, bomb people you don’t like from a great height so they die and never again gift you with the wretched stuff,…… I could go on and on…..
Upset Waitress on December 20th, 2007
Blonde, yes I can go on and on too. Just like fruitcake is the infinite gift, how to get rid of it has infinite solutions!
Jenny, because he’s little, child labor laws prohibit him from becoming a waiter. Honestly, I’d rather my son turn out to be a yard bitch. It’s less painful. Plus I don’t trust him around people.
ali on December 20th, 2007
Ah, I guess sometimes kids can be useful after all.
Roshan on December 20th, 2007
Hahaha, either you or your kid or the both of you are comical geniuses! That was so cool. And I just blogged about a similar topic, so that was coincidentally nice.
http://awakeanddreaming.org/?p=737
Upset Waitress on December 21st, 2007
ali, Paalease, I had to bribe him. At first, he ran from the fruitcake.
Roshan, heya welcome. Great minds think fruitcake.
Tony on December 21st, 2007
Your post reminds me of my own kids’ creativity - however no fruitcake was involved. When the kids were little, my ex wanted them to have barbies as well as gi joes so that they could play with either (we were so progressive!). Nothing like walking into the living room and seeing a topless barbie hanging upside down by her feet off of the stairs waiting for GI joe to get in his helicopter and save her…or when naked barbie was tied to the leg of a chair and…oh wait, that one was me, sorry.
Upset Waitress on December 21st, 2007
Lol Tony. My favorite childhood game was playing Doctor. With myself!
moooooog35 on December 21st, 2007
Mmmmm….
Fruit Tank.
k8michele on December 21st, 2007
The FDA should ban those things already.
Upset Waitress on December 21st, 2007
Hey hey hey K8
I don’t think so sister. It’s THE gift of all gifts that says “I hate your guts”.
Jenny on December 21st, 2007
I just assumed you usually take orders from your customers with food in your mouth.
No?
Upset Waitress on December 21st, 2007
That or a beer in my hand and a cigarette in my mouth!
Native Minnow on December 21st, 2007
Someone call family services. Quick! Making a kid eat fruitcake = child abuse.
Mr. DNA on December 21st, 2007
Wait a minute…
Is your kid wearing a tie-dye shirt?
Are you a hippy?
I may have to rethink your blog.
Upset Waitress on December 21st, 2007
Yeah he is Mr. DNA. The boy left a sno-cone in his pockets on laundry day.
Upset Waitress on December 21st, 2007
Minnow
In my defense, he at least got to play with it before he ate it!
the frogster on December 22nd, 2007
See, that’s my whole point! Fruitcake! It’s a toy and a bookend and a mummy AND a great snack!
U.W., try some again this year. You only THINK you hate it. Have some. Have a piece. Just a little piece. You can do it. It’s what the season is all about. While you’re at it, share some with Native Minnow. She has got her mind all closed up like a big ‘ol bear trap. Come on, N.M. It’s the season of giving. Give fruitcake another chance.
Upset Waitress on December 23rd, 2007
Not a chance frogster, not a chance in hell will I bite into another fruitcake ever again!