This time of year I can always tell who really hates me because shithead co-workers the haters gift me with a fruitcake. I don’t get it. I like fruit. I fricking love cake more than bacon, but fruitcake just sucks! Because it won’t flush like the crap it is, I usually just chuck it into the trash. I can’t even stand looking at it. So this year got me thinking. What Can I do with that piece of shit gift fruitcake that I know I’m going to be gifted? Well who better to ask then a 9yr old kid. This is what my son came up with.
Little man said he’s about sick of the neighbors complaining so he will use it for the washer when it goes off balance. Well I got news for little man, those sounds aren’t the washer, it’s your mother and father bumping uglies in the laundry room.
He also found the fruitcake to be useful as a multi-functional bi-linear stabilization device for use with both digital and film cameras.
He discovered that fruitcakes are perfect as bookends. See those VHS tapes? Those are my naughty vids of the birds and the bees! I no longer own a VCR so those are essentially dust collectors.
Pretending to rip out the guts and suck out the brain, little man wrapped the fruitcake ever so carefully. He mummified it with toilet paper and pretended it was King Tutankhamun. Who ever the hell that is!
He used the fruitcake like it was some sort of meteoroid that destroyed the dinosaurs. Funny, doesn’t he know that dinosaurs never existed? Stupid kid. If you don’t believe me then ask Adam and Eve!
He stuck wheels on it and pretended it was a tank. He made these weird “vroom boom” sound effects. Finally after making the tank pop a few wheelies, the fruitTANK took enemy fire and was destroyed shortly after this picture. The D.O.D. denies this battle ever occurred.
Now that was a lot of fun for my son. So much that it started to get on my nerves. How can a Turd grader enjoy playing with a fruitcake? I started to get worried so I had to end this right away. I made the kid eat what was left of the mangled fruitTANK.
21 Responses to ' Fun with Fruitcake. '
Leave a reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
on December 20th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
What a little cutie!!! I wonder where he gets his vivid imagination from
on December 20th, 2007 at 9:17 pm
Gypsy, yes he’s adorable while spitting out a mouthful of molested fruitcake isn’t he?
on December 20th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
Ahaha – the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it? It’s Little Upset Waiter!!
on December 20th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
Also, for your consideration….. door stop, table leveler, something to throw at the cat when he gets up at 4:30 am and plays, “Knock Shit Off of High Places”, funky cubist dildo, put it in a paper bag and light it on fire on a neighbor’s door step then ring the bell and run, Throw at kids knocking on bedroom door asking if you’re “done yet”, bomb people you don’t like from a great height so they die and never again gift you with the wretched stuff,…… I could go on and on…..
on December 20th, 2007 at 10:33 pm
Blonde, yes I can go on and on too. Just like fruitcake is the infinite gift, how to get rid of it has infinite solutions!
Jenny, because he’s little, child labor laws prohibit him from becoming a waiter. Honestly, I’d rather my son turn out to be a yard bitch. It’s less painful. Plus I don’t trust him around people.
on December 20th, 2007 at 10:44 pm
Ah, I guess sometimes kids can be useful after all.
on December 20th, 2007 at 11:46 pm
Hahaha, either you or your kid or the both of you are comical geniuses! That was so cool. And I just blogged about a similar topic, so that was coincidentally nice.
http://awakeanddreaming.org/?p=737
on December 21st, 2007 at 6:48 am
ali, Paalease, I had to bribe him. At first, he ran from the fruitcake.
Roshan, heya welcome. Great minds think fruitcake.
on December 21st, 2007 at 8:19 am
Your post reminds me of my own kids’ creativity – however no fruitcake was involved. When the kids were little, my ex wanted them to have barbies as well as gi joes so that they could play with either (we were so progressive!). Nothing like walking into the living room and seeing a topless barbie hanging upside down by her feet off of the stairs waiting for GI joe to get in his helicopter and save her…or when naked barbie was tied to the leg of a chair and…oh wait, that one was me, sorry.
on December 21st, 2007 at 8:26 am
Lol Tony. My favorite childhood game was playing Doctor. With myself!
on December 21st, 2007 at 8:36 am
Mmmmm….
Fruit Tank.
on December 21st, 2007 at 9:40 am
The FDA should ban those things already.
on December 21st, 2007 at 9:47 am
Hey hey hey K8
I don’t think so sister. It’s THE gift of all gifts that says “I hate your guts”.
on December 21st, 2007 at 11:16 am
I just assumed you usually take orders from your customers with food in your mouth.
No?
on December 21st, 2007 at 11:30 am
That or a beer in my hand and a cigarette in my mouth!
on December 21st, 2007 at 1:51 pm
Someone call family services. Quick! Making a kid eat fruitcake = child abuse.
on December 21st, 2007 at 8:09 pm
Wait a minute…
Is your kid wearing a tie-dye shirt?
Are you a hippy?
I may have to rethink your blog.
on December 21st, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Yeah he is Mr. DNA. The boy left a sno-cone in his pockets on laundry day.
on December 21st, 2007 at 8:16 pm
Minnow
In my defense, he at least got to play with it before he ate it!
on December 22nd, 2007 at 9:56 pm
See, that’s my whole point! Fruitcake! It’s a toy and a bookend and a mummy AND a great snack!
U.W., try some again this year. You only THINK you hate it. Have some. Have a piece. Just a little piece. You can do it. It’s what the season is all about. While you’re at it, share some with Native Minnow. She has got her mind all closed up like a big ‘ol bear trap. Come on, N.M. It’s the season of giving. Give fruitcake another chance.
on December 23rd, 2007 at 6:29 am
Not a chance frogster, not a chance in hell will I bite into another fruitcake ever again!