Christmas Cookie Crime.
Looky at what I got today from a dear customer who’s on crack and has a lot of critters on crack and has a lot of time to waste.
Now I really like cookies. Especially Christmas cookies! But this plastic plate full of thoughtless stale Christmas crap is plain ridiculous. And I’ve eaten things that have fallen onto bathroom floors. No…I’ve never eaten a panty shield. But I have eaten things I wouldn’t step on. I step in dog crap all the time, so NO, I’ve never eaten dog poop. Anyway, these cookies were clearly sat on before being handed to me. Yes, I have eaten Twinkies with an ass print. Regardless of that fact, I tasted one of the cookies. It had the crunch of an overly fried pork rind. It had the flavor of salty cardboard. It tore the roof of my mouth apart and my gums started to bleed. With every crush a migraine headache began.
Crunch “Oh Mary with a cherry! I broke a tooth. No, I think I fractured my jaw bone”
Crunch “Crappy, My eyeglasses just bounced off my face”
Crunch “Damn dear crack head customer, these cookies need to soak in a bathtub of hot beer for 2 weeks”
Needless to say, I brought the cookies home. What did I do with the cookies you ask? First I took a pic, then I realized they were those weird homemade baked cookie ornament thingies you hang on a tree. And YES! This Upset Waitress has been drinking mental margaritas before my shift started making this post. Merry Christmas and all that everybody!
.
Blondefabulous on December 23rd, 2007
I’ll save you a slice of Yule Log! I gar-un-tee my shit tastes better than cookie ornaments!
Upset Waitress on December 23rd, 2007
Blonde, oh my gawd, would ya really? I love beautiful shit!
Gypsy on December 23rd, 2007
You’re a pistol Waitress!!! Thank God you realise what they were supposed to be for before you started pooping bullets. You are one of a kind my darling. Merry Christmas.
manuel on December 23rd, 2007
Ha! Awh have a good one Waitress…..stay off the hard stuff……and have a fun Christmas……hold on a mo I’ve just noticed someone above me on your blogroll…..wtf?
Upset Waitress on December 23rd, 2007
Hah Gypsy! I’ll have to get back to you. Manuel is throwing a waiter fit over a sidebar.
OK I’m back Gypsy. First, sorry about the granny.
Next, Thankfully I won’t be shitting bullets because I will be drinking heavily tonight. Lets just hope that ornament hanger don’t catch me in the ass.
Oh for craps sake Manuel. Stay off the hard stuff? Don’t you tell me what to do! Oh I am so coming over to your blog bitch!!!
manuel on December 23rd, 2007
hahahahahahaha sober enough to fuck with the sidebar…that does make a change…..Listen I’m insecure and need to well managed…….now change it back…..
Upset Waitress on December 23rd, 2007
Oh no manuel. I’m going to leave it up for a bit you attention whore. And I’m drunk enough, I might keep adding onto it. Now leave me to my wits.
Blondefabulous on December 23rd, 2007
Well, I’ll remember to save you a slice of my big fat log!
manuel on December 23rd, 2007
you bitch……be careful who you play with……Protestant indeed…..
Upset Waitress on December 23rd, 2007
Blonde, Does it have nuts in it? I love a big fat nutty log. And I want more than just a sliver.
Jenny on December 23rd, 2007
Upset, are you messing with Manuel? Don’t you know better than that?
savannah on December 23rd, 2007
hot damn, sugar! that cracked me up…i could almost see you biting into rudolph!
happy holidays, darlin!
Upset Waitress on December 23rd, 2007
Jenny, Harathaha he’s got nothing. I can’t believe I’m actually Googling Irish facts. I’m loaded so who knows what they rearlly look like on myh sidebar.
Jenny on December 23rd, 2007
“I love to river dance” got me.
Upset Waitress on December 23rd, 2007
Oh crap, is it some sort of Scottish thigny>? Back to groogle I go.
Jenny on December 23rd, 2007
Stop googling and go back to your drinkees.
Upset Waitress on December 24th, 2007
I am just so proud of myself for using my sidebar to pick on someone. Clever isn’t it Jenny? Paco would be a good one. Oh, so you’re good friends with SHE right? Say “Yes, I’m her best friend…Why what do you need from her?”
Jenny on December 24th, 2007
I am not going to ask “SHE” to make you a CD Cover, snd are you threatening Paco?
Oh, bring it woman.
Upset Waitress on December 24th, 2007
Yea but are you two gals good friends? You don’t have to ask her. You can trick her into doing it. I already have a perfect plan.
Paco sidebar tomorro night, same time, same place. Ot’s sooo on!
nursemyra on December 24th, 2007
overly fried pork rind? but what’s wrong with that?
Jenny on December 24th, 2007
“She” is too smart.
And I’ll be back Missy, oh yes…….
manuel on December 24th, 2007
I am just so proud of myself for using my sidebar to pick on someone.
soon, one day, you wont even see it coming……revenge will be mine…….
OneForTheRoad on December 24th, 2007
Bah humbug etc. from me to you
Upset Waitress on December 24th, 2007
nursemyra, it’s wrong in so many ways.
Manuel, bring it.
OneForTheRoad, thanks a bunch.
Paco on December 24th, 2007
Is that the best you got, bitch?
Here’s one for you:
Betty Ford is Full
Native Minnow on December 26th, 2007
The Christmas cookies I ate were much better. They had flakes of gold in them. That’s right. Gold! What that means, is for the next day or two I can tell people that I shit gold (depending on how fast it moves through), and I’ll have the evidence to back me up. Tell me that won’t get the women all hot and bothered.
(Oh, wait.)
Upset Waitress on December 26th, 2007
That’s OK Minnow, I’m a gold digger. So bend over.
Paco, get off my property before I call animal control.
Restaurant Gal on December 26th, 2007
Wow, UW, you sure do attract a lively conversation about cookies!
BDS on December 26th, 2007
I suppose you have to file this plate under “the thought that counts category.” Or else you need to drink a few pitchers of actual Margaritas because ANYTHING tastes good at that point (and look for the Twinkie while yr. at it.).
Upset Waitress on December 26th, 2007
RG, see I thought those were cookies too!
BDS, I filed it under “people who hate me category.”