It started like normal. I was greeted with a massive hangover from the partay gods at 11am. Then I beat the dog, kicked the cat, and screamed at the kid. As I awoke from my coma, I realized it was Christmas day. As you know, it is all about giving. So, somebody give me a damn Bloody Mary. NOW! Anyway, the next 2 hours were pure hell about my Little Man. No, not the pink one. The one that took a minute and a half of “Are you done yet?” to make and thirty-six hours of hard labor to produce eighteen years of oh my God what have I done. Of course the ungrateful little bastard didn’t like the bottle of Wild Turkey or the hot wings I got for him. I had to keep the cat away from his present since the second of November. That little brat doesn’t appreciate anything I do for him. My old man got him a bunch of useless toys. So all day long I had to smash toys that rolled, toys that didn’t, and toys that made noise. Then the IN-LAWS showed up. My mother in law started in on me first thing. I told her to shut up. She didn’t, so I hit her with a brick. When I posted bail we visited her in the hospital and when no one was looking I spat in her I.V. and asked if she would like fries with that, flipped her the bird and left. We finally got home around ten-thirty that night. I made myself a drink in my sixty-four ounce insulated mug from Danny’s Drug Emporium, and sent the kid to bed without supper for encouraging his grandparents to visit. My old man said I was being entirely too harsh. I told him to shut the fucuk up or I would beat him with the blunt end of the Volkswagon until new years. All in all it was a typical Christmas. Just like the one you had at your house but won’t admit to.
13 Responses to ' Christmas at Upset Waitress’s House '
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on December 26th, 2007 at 11:14 am
It’s almost blissfully majestic listening you describe it.
Almost.
on December 26th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
A new millennial Currier and Ives for sure.
Ever think of making Christmas cards?
You know, for the Crack and Squalor card company, where your nightmares become our profits!
on December 26th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
the fact that you went to the hospital shows you actually DO care.
Ha!
on December 26th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
How about that Christmas cheer. I hope it was better than you described here
on December 26th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
So you don’t get on with your MIL?
on December 26th, 2007 at 5:27 pm
moooog, spoken like a true parent.
LarryLili, No I have no desire to work for the government.
Jenny, I went to the hospital to finish the job.
Minnow, It was so cheery, that if Tiny Tim walked into my trailer, I would kick his crutch!
Gypsy, I don’t play well with others.
on December 26th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
damn, sugar! i thought i had it bad..you win!
hugs&kisses&bailmoney!
on December 26th, 2007 at 7:50 pm
spoofer…..I bet it was all charades and singing hymns and matching family sweaters…..ha!
on December 26th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
Merry xmas UW…your holiday sounds much like my childhood memories, which of course explains why i live thousands of miles away from family…
on December 27th, 2007 at 4:18 am
those hot wings… how did you keep them hot for 6 weeks?
on December 27th, 2007 at 7:38 am
nursemyra, I wrapped them in X-mas lights.
Tony, your mother took all that time to beat you right, you ungrateful S.O.B.
Manuel, you got me, but around my trailer, charades is a full contact sport.
Savannah, Joy, I win at being the biggest loser.
on December 27th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
I got a serious kick out of this, thanks. I read part of it to my husband and he looked at me funny. Think he took it as a threat? If he did he was right.
-AD
on December 28th, 2007 at 5:48 pm
Goofy Woman, that’s what ya get when ya marry someone that’s funny looking.