One More Post on Christmas Crap.
Every year, like you all, I get useless crap. Most of it can go right back to the store. Some things are destine for the garbage. However, some things are harder to get rid of. Things like the used underwear your ex-girlfriend gave you or the sweater your mom knitted with one arm longer than the other. This year I am facing a much bigger dilemma than any other I have had to face. I have several things that just can’t simply be returned or tossed out. They are cluttering the yard and starting to stink. No, it’s not fish. It’s not sweaty gym socks. It is the rotting corpses of those damned Christmas carolers. I can’t throw them in the garbage. The bums will take their clothes. I can’t sell them. The closest mortuary school won’t pick them up. I won’t take them to the mortuary because they will make my car stink. I can’t burn them. There is a burning ban in my county. I could have had a barbeque, but I had nothing big enough to marinate them in. I suppose the only thing left to do is to fold them into the compost pile. I did that last year though. I’m not sure I’m ready for all the vermin that attracts. Like police, nosy neighbors, raccoons and rats. Maybe I should just throw them into Mr. Johnsons yard. Nobody in our Neighborhood likes him anyway.
manuel on December 28th, 2007
Just tie them up with a chain outside the house….somebody will steal them….or eat them…..or use them as novelty plant holders….eh you could engage them in some sort of peculiar sex game…..i dunno….
Blondefabulous on December 28th, 2007
Put pointy red hats on their heads and call them giant lawn gnomes! Awwww hell! I got my own problems, I’ll let someone else sort this out for ya!
Restaurant Gal on December 28th, 2007
Hell, sit ‘em down at a table in your restaurant. Send your cook out to greet them. They’ll run screaming from the place, far, far away!
Gypsy on December 29th, 2007
What about burying them with just their backsides sticking out and you can use them as bike racks…….hmmmmmm let me give it a bit more thought…..
70steen on December 29th, 2007
so that is why we had none calling this year!!
Have you tried salt….. like it works on slugs???
nursemyra on December 29th, 2007
why don’t you fed ex them to george bush?
Gypsy on December 29th, 2007
Ok after a bit more thought I came up with this. Why don’t you dip them in bronze and use them as garden statues. You could even have them holding bowls before the bronzing and grow plants in them as a garden feature…..or stick a hose up their butt and have a water feature……no? Yes? Ok I’ll keep thinking…..
Native Minnow on December 29th, 2007
You need a wood chipper, ala Fargo
Gorilla Bananas on December 29th, 2007
In our part of the world, we’d feel them to the crocodiles. I don’t supposed the foxes have got the appetite. Maybe if you had a fox banquet they could polish them off.
Upset Waitress on December 29th, 2007
Manuel, I’ve played as many sex games as I can.
RG, you know our cook entirely too well!
Blonde, thanks for trying, maybe I’ll just use them as pot hole fillers.
Gypsy, I was thinking of using them as speed bumps.
70’s Teen, nah, your phone probably was broken.
nursemyra, cause I don’t like him that much.
Gypsy, yea they would be good as a life size chess game. Thanks for the idea!
Minnow, thanks for your creative suggestion.
Gorilla, we don’t have foxes. I’m just going to invite the Dahmer’s over.
Henry The Guard-Donkey on December 29th, 2007
Gypsy took my quick-bronzing idea.
Upset Waitress on December 29th, 2007
She’s good like that Henry
Jenny on December 29th, 2007
having just watched Sweeney Todd for a second time, may I suggest mincing them into pies?
Upset Waitress on December 29th, 2007
Jenny you know I can’t cook.
nursemyra on December 30th, 2007
hey jenny, is sweeney todd really good? I mean, I like tim Burton and Johnny Depp but musicals usually leave me cold….