Every year, like you all, I get useless crap. Most of it can go right back to the store. Some things are destine for the garbage. However, some things are harder to get rid of. Things like the used underwear your ex-girlfriend gave you or the sweater your mom knitted with one arm longer than the other. This year I am facing a much bigger dilemma than any other I have had to face. I have several things that just can’t simply be returned or tossed out. They are cluttering the yard and starting to stink. No, it’s not fish. It’s not sweaty gym socks. It is the rotting corpses of those damned Christmas carolers. I can’t throw them in the garbage. The bums will take their clothes. I can’t sell them. The closest mortuary school won’t pick them up. I won’t take them to the mortuary because they will make my car stink. I can’t burn them. There is a burning ban in my county. I could have had a barbeque, but I had nothing big enough to marinate them in. I suppose the only thing left to do is to fold them into the compost pile. I did that last year though. I’m not sure I’m ready for all the vermin that attracts. Like police, nosy neighbors, raccoons and rats. Maybe I should just throw them into Mr. Johnsons yard. Nobody in our Neighborhood likes him anyway.
15 Responses to ' One More Post on Christmas Crap. '
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on December 28th, 2007 at 8:51 pm
Just tie them up with a chain outside the house….somebody will steal them….or eat them…..or use them as novelty plant holders….eh you could engage them in some sort of peculiar sex game…..i dunno….
on December 28th, 2007 at 8:56 pm
Put pointy red hats on their heads and call them giant lawn gnomes! Awwww hell! I got my own problems, I’ll let someone else sort this out for ya!
on December 28th, 2007 at 10:17 pm
Hell, sit ‘em down at a table in your restaurant. Send your cook out to greet them. They’ll run screaming from the place, far, far away!
on December 29th, 2007 at 1:15 am
What about burying them with just their backsides sticking out and you can use them as bike racks…….hmmmmmm let me give it a bit more thought…..
on December 29th, 2007 at 3:31 am
so that is why we had none calling this year!!
Have you tried salt….. like it works on slugs???
on December 29th, 2007 at 4:23 am
why don’t you fed ex them to george bush?
on December 29th, 2007 at 6:24 am
Ok after a bit more thought I came up with this. Why don’t you dip them in bronze and use them as garden statues. You could even have them holding bowls before the bronzing and grow plants in them as a garden feature…..or stick a hose up their butt and have a water feature……no? Yes? Ok I’ll keep thinking…..
on December 29th, 2007 at 11:54 am
You need a wood chipper, ala Fargo
on December 29th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
In our part of the world, we’d feel them to the crocodiles. I don’t supposed the foxes have got the appetite. Maybe if you had a fox banquet they could polish them off.
on December 29th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
Manuel, I’ve played as many sex games as I can.
RG, you know our cook entirely too well!
Blonde, thanks for trying, maybe I’ll just use them as pot hole fillers.
Gypsy, I was thinking of using them as speed bumps.
70’s Teen, nah, your phone probably was broken.
nursemyra, cause I don’t like him that much.
Gypsy, yea they would be good as a life size chess game. Thanks for the idea!
Minnow, thanks for your creative suggestion.
Gorilla, we don’t have foxes. I’m just going to invite the Dahmer’s over.
on December 29th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Gypsy took my quick-bronzing idea.
on December 29th, 2007 at 6:39 pm
She’s good like that Henry
on December 29th, 2007 at 8:55 pm
having just watched Sweeney Todd for a second time, may I suggest mincing them into pies?
on December 29th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
Jenny you know I can’t cook.
on December 30th, 2007 at 4:12 am
hey jenny, is sweeney todd really good? I mean, I like tim Burton and Johnny Depp but musicals usually leave me cold….