That’s how the Cookie Crumbles.
I want to start off by saying Happy Birthday to Mark, a dog lover and stoner deadhead. Secondly, I want to piss on the weather man in Australia. If he doesn’t make a cold front happen today there will be waitress hell to pay. That being typed….I hope you feel better soon Gypsy Girl. Anyway…
Last night I had the sudden urge to be domestic. I decided I should make cookies for the first time. So I poured a stiff drink, lit a cigarette, and gathered up my ingredients for some chewy chocolate chip cookies. In a bowl I added some lard, some mini Hersheys bars leftover from Halloween, some ashes for love, lumpy flour, coffee stained sugar brick, and some vanilla which I had to borrow from Mr. Johnson. Who is currently under investigation for the disappearance of some Christmas carolers. He scares me. Anyway I mixed all my ingredients, pre-heated the microwave, then I realized I didn’t have a cookie sheet, so I borrowed one of Mr. Johnson’s hub caps. It was late and I didn’t want to wake him. I’ll tell him tomorrow. Then I took it in the shed and beat it flat. On to the new cookie sheet went the lumps of dough. As they were about to start cooking I thought…Hmmmmm…what goes good with chocolate in a cookie? Nut’s! I dropped the tray. After scraping them up, I carefully arranged them on the cookie hub cap. In to the microwave they… they… the Damned cookware won’t fit. Off went the dough. I set it on the coffee table while I watched my soaps and hacksawed the cookie hub cap to the proper size. After “One Life to Turn the World at the Hospital with Someones Children” was over, I managed to get the dough back on the pan. Finally they fit in to the microwave. In they went for ninety minutes. For some reason it looked like a fourth of July celebration in there. They smelled so good. Like, corned beef and cabbage with bleu cheese mustard dressing. Emeril, eat your heart out. Bam!
Mel on January 3rd, 2008
I’m a newcomer to your blog and I must say, you crack me up! I was referred here by a friend and of course, now I owe her one…maybe 2….
Did you wash the hub cap?
Mel
Upset Waitress on January 3rd, 2008
Hey hey Mel. Did I wash the hub cap? Why would I wash the perfectly good grease off? My cookies would stick If I did that.
Native Minnow on January 3rd, 2008
mmmmm, cookies
moooooog35 on January 3rd, 2008
This sounds SO MUCH better than the shit Rachel Ray cooks.
..except on her fat days. For some reason, she cooks better on her fat days.
But…if you tell me that you said the word “Delish” once, though, then this affair is over. OVER.
Upset Waitress on January 3rd, 2008
Minnow, said like a true stoner.
Moooog, that Campbell’s soup queen has nothing on my cooking skills.
Gorilla Bananas on January 3rd, 2008
I like a woman who’s not afraid to experiment in the kitchen.
Upset Waitress on January 3rd, 2008
Gorilla, I’ve experimented so much I could make the 60’s blush.
Qelqoth on January 3rd, 2008
Interestingly, this is the exact same reason why I feel the need to whack the weasel whenever I visit this site.
Upset Waitress on January 3rd, 2008
Qelqoth, I wouldn’t want someone to come here and have an intelligent discussion with me, so you just keep on flipping your foreskin
manuel on January 3rd, 2008
cookie monster……beer monster……blog monster what next? monster monster…..
Upset Waitress on January 3rd, 2008
Manuel, how about “torture the kitty cat” monster? Oh I’m so all over that! Thanks for inspiring me on my next post
Mark on January 3rd, 2008
Aw, thanks for the B-day wishes! I’d love one of your
hockey puckscookies…Gypsy on January 4th, 2008
Thanks hon, that was real sweet of you. Its still as fucking hot as Hades down here but you can’t kill this old bird off that easily. Btw, don’t stress about that comment darl, you weren’t to know.
OneForTheRoad on January 4th, 2008
email me on of those cookies. I’ve eaten things that sound a lot worse in my time.
Upset Waitress on January 4th, 2008
Mark, you would love it…it’s like eating, well it’s like eating a shoe. Yummy.
Gypsy, I have something smartass to say to you, but I can’t force myself to do it right now. So can you Paalease hurry up and get better so I don’t have to hold back?
OFTR, hah, I tried to fax a cookie earlier and the fax machine spit it out. Cookie went flying and broke a window.
Mark on January 4th, 2008
MMMMM…shoes!
1/8 inch spike heels?
Upset Waitress on January 4th, 2008
No Mark, more like crocs. You know what those are right?
Gypsy on January 4th, 2008
Hey UW don’t hold back just cuz I’m on my death bed….lol. I love your smart ass remarks so bring it on.
Mark on January 5th, 2008
Crocs? Somehow I envisioned you in stiletto heels.
hey, it’s all good!
Eric on January 5th, 2008
… bwhahahaahah…… I bet your microwave loved that hubcap…..
Upset Waitress on January 5th, 2008
Gypsy, no no. Plus that death bed thing you just typed. palease, I’m just gonna let it all build up
Mark, Hah, I got a show post for you tonight!
Eric, hey there
Last year I tried to make a boiled egg in the nuke. That was bad.