The Exercise-ist
Today like most days I was inundated with the morning fitness freaks. I had cyclists. I had joggers and walkers. There were swimmers and rowers. We even had a couple of weight lifters. I served yogurt, granola, special K, fruit, cottage cheese, tofu, and dry rye toast until I finally screamed. “If someone doesn’t order a normal breakfast like eggs, bacon, hashed browns, grits, or six day old sausage gravy with biscuits, I am going to beat you all to death with a breakfast burrito.” Then I threw a pot of hot coffee at the busboy and yelled at him. “Learn English or I’ll hold you under the next time you cross that river!” Then from the corner came a quiet, timid voice. “E.. EX.. Excuse me.” I whirled around and hollered, “What do you want?” He said. “I would like to order three eggs sunny side up, two orders of bacon, some hashed browns, grits, buttered white toast, and a helping of that sausage gravy you were raving about.” “Do you want anything to drink? “Yes please. An orange juice, and some coff…..I mean milk. Thank you.” I looked at the eighty year old ten pound man and said… “You had better eat it all. I’m not getting you a doggy bag.” Then with one last searing look I placed his order. It took that old man four hours to eat it all but he did. I love putting the fear of me in people.
Restaurant Gal on January 7th, 2008
My little secret–we introduced a new, really fattening lunch menu today. Oh sure, lots of salads…with bacon fat in the dressings and lots of added cheese! God, I love January. Where’s my order of fries, extra salt?
Jenny on January 8th, 2008
My arteries just clogged up to 80% by reading this post.
You’d hate me then - I’m the one asking if the cook can poach the eggs. AND, I’ll NEED whole wheat toast, NO butter and may I subsitute fruit for the hash browns?
Gypsy on January 8th, 2008
That poor little old man. He probably crawled out of there on his spindly little knees and had a heart attack due to an overdose of fat and pure FEAR. Now come on Samantha (I’m calling you that from now on or do you prefer Sammy….whatever) show a little bit of mercy to the geriatric set.
Gypsy on January 8th, 2008
Or what about Bitchy witch? I’m not fussed…let me know.
Gorilla Bananas on January 8th, 2008
I bet he made that order just to please you.
nursemyra on January 8th, 2008
I’ll have what he’s having
daisyfae on January 8th, 2008
i’ll send Mom up to visit… She’s asked to be wrapped in a side of bacon when the time comes. Ever see a 79 year old woman ask for ‘gravy shots’?
Bruce on January 8th, 2008
I love bacon and I’ll take two of thoses gravy shots.
You’ve been tagged, please play along. Go to my website for more info.
Dennis on January 8th, 2008
I’m confused, UW. On the surface, the old guy seems to reflect the ideal diner. He isn’t picky, and eats & does what he’s told.
Are you just grumpy because you need new shoes and a bra?
Tony on January 8th, 2008
actually, i’m grumpy cause i need new shoes and a bra. i hate the looks i get when trying them on…especially since i refuse to try on bras over my shirt, i mean, how can i know how it will really fit?
Upset Waitress on January 8th, 2008
RG, we substitute wedge salads for fries. They think it’s healthier, especially covered with bleu cheese gravy or buckets of ranch.
Jenny, hey, where have you been lately? I know you’re training and all, but c’mon. How’s Paco? I have a feeling your ass is being inundated with emails because of your little M.I.A. stunt haha.
Gypsy, around here they just call me GOD!
Gypsy, Bitchy Witch has a nice ring to it.
Gorilla, you are right about that.
Nurse, one plate of humiliation coming right up.
daisy, your mother is a super-hero in my eyes.
Bruce, bacon is the god of all meat.
Dennis, you’re right. He was the perfect customer. But that doesn’t exclude him from my waitress wrath.
Upset Waitress on January 8th, 2008
Tony, that’s the same problem I have. I have given up on even wearing them. So should you. Let your man boobs flap freely
moi on January 8th, 2008
These granola-type people got it all wrong. Why run/hike/bike/climb/swim only to then bore yourself half to death with cardboard-like sustenance? Oh, no. I’m gonna punish my body like that, I’ll damn well pamper it with the most caloric- and fat-laden food known to mankind, thank you very much.
Upset Waitress on January 8th, 2008
Exactly moi. I suppose I could chomp down a rice cake, but it would have to be decorated with icing and served with a heap of chocolate ice cream.
BDS on January 8th, 2008
That order wouldn’t intimidate me as I love breakfast (and I’m an avid lifter/runner, so . . . ) For instance, last week on vacation I had:
Biscuits and gravy, 3 eggs scrambled, side of sausage, coffee, water, hash browns and a blueberry donut. Easy.
Keep up the intimidation.
manuel on January 8th, 2008
Tell me about it, just getting the fuckers to buy some chips is a fucking chore right now……makes me feel like a pusher/dealer…….all will be back to normal soon though……
LarryLily on January 8th, 2008
You should work at the cafeteria for recovering anorexics at the Britney Spears Panic Manic Quarter-way House.
Or else the typical elementary school cafeteria.
That would get them to clean their plates!
Upset Waitress on January 8th, 2008
BDS, hey welcome back from vacation! So you stuffed yourself on all the good foods. Good for you.
manuel, I know what you mean. Normal can’t get here soon enough.
Larry, an anorexic certainly would benefit from my presence. Maybe I need a career change after all.
blazngfyre on January 8th, 2008
I’ll die with my arteries clogged by years of eating white-flour and overly processed food thankyouverymuch!
Biscuits & gravy …. Mmmm ….
Upset Waitress on January 8th, 2008
blaze, heya where have you been sister? I’m with you though, Cheez Whiz runs through my veins.