Who Wouldn’t Want a Dirty Fork?
I sat a party of five after Sunday service gossipers. One of them lifted her fork and shouted, “I don’t like a dirty fork!”
To which I replied:
“Who wouldn’t like a dirty fork? I like a dirty fork in the bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, living room, car, park, on a boat, or with a goat. I like it here, there, and everywhere! I would like a dirty fork with him, her, them, or almost anyone. You should try one sometime it will titilate that bug up your ass. A dirty fork can change your entire outlook on life. Possibly even loosen your ass enough for your head to slide out for the first time since nineteen-fifty-nine. Be sure to open your eyes slowly, the sun is slightly brighter than it used to be, except for in Los Angeles. The air is a tad bit heavier as well, but judging from your breath, rotting whale flesh would be a welcome change for your incredibly large nose, that in spite of being shoved so far up your shitter it tickles your tonsils but still manages to get in everyone else’s business. No, I think you should just eat your egg whites and drink your water with lemon then go away to enjoy your new round world.
Welcome Californians. Now here’s your bill so go fork yourself!!
daisyfae on January 13th, 2008
damn. i am NEVER asking a server for anything ever again. i’ve already started busing my own table and leaving 25% tips since i started hanging out here… seriously, you crack me up. happy drunken blogger waitresses rule the earth!
Mark on January 13th, 2008
Sounds like someone needs a good assforking…
Gorilla Bananas on January 14th, 2008
Maybe it got dirty because she already forked herself with it. Can you tell Californians by the way they look?
manuel on January 14th, 2008
I gave someone a dirty fork once………huh there you go…not very interesting….what i cant have an off day?
Gypsy on January 14th, 2008
I’d like some hot, spicy sauce to go with that dirty fork and make it snappy Waitress. These days there is only a very small window of opportunity so hop to it my lovely.
Mark on January 14th, 2008
Gorilla Bananas -
Yeah, we have horns, cloven hooves and pitchforks.
Blondefabulous on January 14th, 2008
I once told a chef “Don’t fork with me” cause the manager had a rule we couldn’t curse in the workplace. That rule didn’t last long…..
Upset Waitress on January 14th, 2008
daisy, I wear that crown loud and proud. Thank you
Mark, a good fork up the ass does the body good.
Gorilla, I can tell the Cali’s by the way they act. They don’t eat stuff that grows in dirt.
Manuel, good one. Really. That was good.
Gypsy, have you been paying attention to my blog? I’m the one that calls the shots.
Mark, we have an excuse. Gorilla and I are very sheltered Floridians.
Upset Waitress on January 14th, 2008
Blonde, so what was his policy on “Forking” in the workplace?
Gypsy on January 14th, 2008
Hey Sammy, didn’t they teach you in that establishment that the customer is ALWAYS right??? Geez, good help is SO hard to find these days….:)
Blondefabulous on January 14th, 2008
Couldn’t do that either. What really got you in trouble was the forking of customers!
azahar on January 14th, 2008
Ever seen this?
The Restaurant Sketch (or The Dirty Fork)
auntybelle on January 14th, 2008
Hilarious!
Native Minnow on January 14th, 2008
I must be incredibly anal (no pun intended) because I don’t even like it when my forks have spots on them.
Upset Waitress on January 14th, 2008
Gypsy, what do expect from someone who gets 2.13 per hour? I can’t even crack a smile for that crap wage.
Blonde, I’ve done it in the walk-in more than a dozen times. We even had an orgy in there once.
azahar, Yes it’s very funny Haha! Monty Python is a fav.
auntybelle, hi, glad you’re here
No, you are hilarious.
Minnow, why does everything have to be about your incredible anal? Do you at least like fishing spots?
Tony on January 14th, 2008
uw - as long as you and i can spoon after, i don’t care how dirty the fork is…
Tony on January 14th, 2008
i really got to cut this pun shit out…it’s starting to warp me in a bad way…
Upset Waitress on January 14th, 2008
Haha Tony. No worries, it’s not like the puns are cramping your style or anything.
jahooni on January 14th, 2008
Oh go Fork yourself!
what is it about Califonians? what is exactly wrong with us? Do tell…
Upset Waitress on January 14th, 2008
Jahooni, please don’t make me go on a rant about Cali’s. Really, it is not pretty from a servers end. I promise
Cali’s, Carolinians, and Canadians are not something I wish to get into 
I’m not drunk enough. helahaha
Mark on January 14th, 2008
“Really, it is not pretty from a servers end.”
That’s not what the cook told me…
Upset Waitress on January 14th, 2008
Haha Mark. As drunk as my cook is, he still knows a tasty ass. Why he drills them holes in the banana trees is beyond me though. Trees don’t have pulses right?
Mark on January 15th, 2008
“Trees don’t have pulses right?”
Right. But they don’t insult people from California either, you bitch…
;o)>
Ha! Seriously, I’ll take something warm and wiggly over a banana tree any day, even if it doesn’t like me because I happen to come from the best state in the union…
Restaurant Gal on January 15th, 2008
Oh good, I am glad they found you! I tossed their sorry asses out of my restaurant
Upset Waitress on January 15th, 2008
Mark, yes yes. Ahh well. At least your governor is hot!
RG, Thanks. A bunch. It makes me want to serve everything on paper plates with plastic forks! How someone gets that upset over a dirty fork?
LBB on January 15th, 2008
Oh, I like this blog already!
Upset Waitress on January 15th, 2008
LBB, Hi there
Mark on January 16th, 2008
Hot?
He’s not a Californian.
You already know a hot Californian. Me.
Upset Waitress on January 16th, 2008
Mark, you are so hot, if you were a car door I would slam you all day long.
Mark on January 16th, 2008
Why thank you, UW! Got me all excited now!!!
;o)>
Upset Waitress on January 16th, 2008
Whore Mark. Whore!