Under Pressure.
So I went to see the doctor today. He was a nice guy, but for a doctor, you would think he would be in better health. He was very large, Jaba The Hut large. He wasn’t able to wear a white lab coat, he had to wear a tent. I either had to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie in front of his face, or he just had to examine me from the hallway. I chose to be examined in the hallway.
Anyway, he took my blood pressure. Then he did it again, and again, and a few more times within the 3 hours I was there. Then he tells me I have extremely high blood pressure. 200/97 whatever that means. Numbers mean nothing to me unless it’s in dollar form. Anyway, that explains why I feel like my head is going to pop off. All this time I thought it could be the dog collar I’m wearing with a notch too tight. It also explains that dizziness I’ve been feeling. Unless it was the vodka and happy hour vittles. Anyway, I’m on meds now for the first time in my life. And the bad thing about these meds is that I can’t drink while taking them. WTF? So you should know that this is the first time I’ve ever posted while sober. But there is a bonus, these meds have a kick ass side effect! I feel loopy as hell! I just have to get a better handle on all the drool.
Anyway, I have to go back to have some blood work done. I hope that Free Willy my fat physician doesn’t die of a heart attack before I have a chance of dying from a stroke.
manuel on January 22nd, 2008
Sheeeit. Stay well honey…..I love reading your crap…sorry I mean posts and well I’d miss you…..even if you have lots of new friends now and don’t need me any more….fuck who am I writing this too…..drop the drink and the fags and you’ll be fine….dull but fine…..
upset waitress on January 22nd, 2008
“drop the drink and the fag”…Manuel, you know that’s like asking the pope not to pray! And I will always need you. I mean who else is going to whine like a bitch when I fcuk with my sidebar?
daisyfae on January 22nd, 2008
had a gigantic fat-fuck of a doctor tell me to lose weight when i was 12 years old. i wanted to pop him like a zit… one other way to reduce your BP? donate blood. lots of it every day. less blood? less pressure! science rocks…
Woeful on January 22nd, 2008
I am so sorry.
Mark on January 22nd, 2008
“I feel loopy as hell!”
Let’s just take your temperature. What’s that? OF COURSE it’s a thermometer. Yes, yes, I KNOW it’s a very fat thermometer…
Seriously, hope it’s not serious, eh…
Henry The Guard-Mule on January 23rd, 2008
Mine is very high too. I’ve opted not to take the meds suggested even though they’re dirt-cheap, side-effect-free and totally covered by insurance. I LIKE being a red-faced on-the-verge-of-stroke scary angry Troll.
FUCK YOU ALL!
P.S. My top number is way lower than 200 (191) so I’ll prolly outlive you! HA!
walker on January 23rd, 2008
Whoa thats way to high.
You did remove the Ben Wa balls before you went right?
Doctors should lead by example and should look as heathly as the advice the dispense.
Gypsy on January 23rd, 2008
Jesus Christ on a bicycle!!! Girl I’m surprised your head hasn’t exploded all over your blog by now. Hope you manage to get it down soon. I know it’s not your way to take things seriously, but this is one of those times when you need to do something out of character. I bet NurseMyra will have some good advice when she gets here. btw your sober posts are just as good as your drunk ones, just so you know.
Gorilla Bananas on January 23rd, 2008
Well it’s not the end of the world, but you’d better start doing sensible stuff now.
nursemyra on January 23rd, 2008
oh no now I feel pressured to offer good advice. ok - here goes - frequent orgasms with minimal effort, 2 glasses of red wine daily. lots of garlic.
coincidentally I am the drunk one tonight. I may have different advice in the morning.
ps you might like to loosen that corset a little
moooooog35 on January 23rd, 2008
You should have asked him what HIS blood pressure was…you know..just for comparison.
And I think the “drinking while taking meds” is not required…
…I think of it more like a “serving suggestion” - like showing an olive with a slice of cheese on the cover of the Ritz cracker box.
..although..this probably explains my blackouts.
USA_Admiral on January 23rd, 2008
I hate going to the doctor. Never a good time.
Take care so you don’t stroke out on us.
Tony on January 23rd, 2008
UW - all joking aside, take care of yourself or i will f-ing kill you. Honestly, Nursemyra was right on with the wine, garlic, et al.
Off topic, it still cracks me up when the UK use of the word “fags” meets the US use of the word…i picture you telling gay friends you can no longer hang out with them due to your blood pressure
BDS on January 23rd, 2008
I’ve generally found a lot of doctors to be in piss-poor physical condition, which seems vaguely ironic.
I hope you mentioned your dog-collar theory, however, as he will need full disclosure to accurately asses the situation.
And bring him some pie when you go in for your blood work.
Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur on January 23rd, 2008
200/97???
I didn’t think anyones BP was higher than mine.
Lets have a race and see who has a stroke first!
Buffalo on January 23rd, 2008
I rarely have anything clever or amusing to say and this subject doesn’t provide an exception.
Dick on January 23rd, 2008
Nice pressure. Technically, you’re headed for a heart attack that’ll be a good’n.
Axey on January 23rd, 2008
Try smoking copious amounts of weed. Woeks for me!!!
Axey on January 23rd, 2008
Works even - proves my point!
Native Minnow on January 23rd, 2008
Jabba the Hutt sized, eh? At least he didn’t make you change into a gold bikini and chain you to his throne - or did he?
Upset Waitress on January 23rd, 2008
daisy, that settles it. I’m getting a jar of leeches.
woeful, are you sorry enough to break my bosses legs?
Mark, then I must insist you take my temp rectally.
Henry, how long will you live if McCain becomes president?
Walker, yea them doc’s are as bad as the hair dressers. I’m always asking my hair dresser “Did you lose a bet?”
Gypsy, just hearing that Jesus Christ is on a bycycle gets my heart pumping
Gorilla, you mean like riding my unicycle with two hands instead of one? haha
Nursey, loosen my corset? My boyfriend won’t let me wear it for more than five minutes before it’s ripped off
moooog, They should just put all meds in an Amberbock or Pilsner.
USA Admiral, If I did stroke out, P.E.T.A. wouldn’t have anyone writing them annoying E-mails.
Tony, haha, my gay friends are still in the closet. And they keep knocking over the broom!
BDS, should I be eating pork rinds while I’m giving him the pie?
Blackiswhite, better hurry, I’m on the phone with my crazed, nutty, crackhead boss now.
Buffalo, glib will work.
Axey, I would if I could remember where I put my stash.
Minnow, no because I went into the examination room dressed as an Ewok.
manuel on January 23rd, 2008
If we are having a stroke race I want in on that too…..
Restaurant Gal on January 23rd, 2008
I am pretty sure my liver hurts since I moved to this lovely part of the world. That’s why I am not going to the doctor. Good luck with what ails you.
Upset Waitress on January 23rd, 2008
manuel, Not that kind of stroke. Now clean off your keyboard and get your head back in the game.
RG, That quiver is not your liver. You left your vibrator on again.
Mark on January 23rd, 2008
“Mark, then I must insist you take my temp rectally.”
Wow…just wow.
jahooni on January 24th, 2008
since you can’t drink.. i’ll double fist just for you!