Harder To Swallow, Harder To Sh*t.
As you know, I have no cooking skills what so ever. So every meal in my house is accompanied by some sort of hot sauce. Not only is hot sauce full of flavor, it disguises the shitty pile of crap you are trying to pass off as a meal. You know the kind of food I’m talking about. The six week old Thai food and left over fuzzy spam loaf.
This hot sauce is good, but a bit too mild for me. It’s smoky nose and bright bouquet make it fine for chips at a kindergarten picnic. Not my style. I like my bathroom to look like a battlefield after dinner. It doesn’t make the ring in your toilet scream and squirm. Leave it on the shelf. Don’t get me wrong, I do like the flavor of some of the milder sauces in pudding.
Now this hot sauce is a bit hotter. It’s by far not like aiming a blow torch to my ass though. And it doesn’t make my nose all snotty. I want to feel the mucus congeal and swell just before it spews from my nose and eyes. However, this one can be a hearty ketchup soup fixer upper. It doesn’t make my asshole gripe enough though. Boooooo!
This hot sauce is the best. This is what I call next day hot sauce. Although it isn’t as flesh stripping hot to the mouth, it will feel like a nuclear bomb has decimated your asshole. As soon as you swallow your first bite you can hear and feel your guts rumbling. By the third bite you rumble up a belch of fire and bile. And for the finale, a high velocity river of paint peeling, nose hair burning, cat killing, environmentally hazardous, dingle berry beating diarrea. Expect to be sleeping alone!
Mark on January 27th, 2008
Which one goes best with an onion roll??
Upset Waitress on January 27th, 2008
Depends on how shitty your onion roll is.
walker on January 27th, 2008
Is this way of telling us you have a HOT ass in the morning?
robert on January 27th, 2008
LOL i am extremely sensitive to spicy stuff of any kind so i steer clear of it hmmmm well miss upset this gives a whole different meaning to *fire in the hole*
Gypsy on January 27th, 2008
Honey if this is all I had to do to get the bed to myself I would have done it years ago. Can you send me over a couple of crates of that last one? Oh my cooking sucks too and when hubby goes away to work I will be the one trying to poison everybody. I’d try your sauces only I don’t want a blocked toilet again. We do have a lot of bushes though so that might work. Sorry just thinking out loud here. Didn’t mean to take up so much space.
Gorilla Bananas on January 28th, 2008
There’s a famous pot noodle called ‘Bombay Bad Boy’ that might be your cup of poison.
nursemyra on January 28th, 2008
oops sorry gypsy I just misread your comment above as “cocking sucks”….
it made me choke on my hot sauce
USA_Admiral on January 28th, 2008
If there is no burn, is it really worth it?
Woeful on January 28th, 2008
Sounds like an ad campaign: So good it feels like a nuclear bomb decimating your asshole! Do you have what it takes to think outside the bun?
bent on January 28th, 2008
OMG - too freakin funny - “I want my bathroom to look like a battlefield after dinner.” Oh yes, good stuff there!
If you have a Buffalo Wild Wings close by, try their “hot” wings - talk about cinging your ass hairs! It makes Hooter’s “3 Mile” sauce look like baby food.
Gypsy on January 28th, 2008
Yeah that works too Nursey….
moooooog35 on January 28th, 2008
If it doesn’t strip the color off your porcelain toilet, it’s not hot enough.
Hot sauce is also useful for getting rid of moles in your lawn…
…the tricky part is getting your poo in the holes…
…sometimes the neighbors complain.
(which also reminds me of this point: KNOW the boundaries of your land before you start)
BDS on January 28th, 2008
I’m also a big fan of hot sauce on virtually all things edible, but in general, if I eat Taco Bell at all then I’m sleeping alone for a variety of reasons. That stuff can be lethal, yet so cheap.
Axey on January 28th, 2008
That last one would leave my ass like a flock of starlings leaving a tree in flight after a gunshot down on the farm.
blazngfyre on January 28th, 2008
I ADORE the advice on the “hot” sauce packet!
Obviously more for a man, but hey, it works!
Oh and Bent? You’ve never had SUICIDAL wings the way a true Buffalo gal makes ‘em! I’ll fix you up some that are so good you won’t shit right for a MONTH!
Buffalo Wild Wings? PFFT! PUHLEEEEASE!
Hooters? I can’t even believe you mentioned that lame-ass bunch of POSERS!
pajama momma on January 28th, 2008
HAhAHA! That looks like our house (although I’m trying to be good now) we have a whole container filled with Taco Bell and chik fil a sauces. I love me some honey roasted BBQ sauce on my chik fil a nuggets.
Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur on January 28th, 2008
I’m a big fan of Cholula, myself. Hot as tobasco, but it still actually has some real flavor to it. Great on sandwiches, and burritos both.
daisyfae on January 28th, 2008
hot sauce on everything? maybe… my dog is one of those special critters that eats shit. his own, mostly, and generally when it’s cold outside so they are frozen turdsicles. when i asked the vet what to do about it, his first response was ‘why is this a problem? he’s just recycling!’. after i smacked him with the dog leash, he suggested putting hot sauce on the turds in the yard to discourage the dog…
guess who got hit with the leash again? “you want me to SEASON the fucking things for him?”
Upset Waitress on January 28th, 2008
Walker, My donkey doesn’t start to warm up until noon.
Robert, So does sitting on a lit candle.
Gypsy, You mustn’t kill the greenery just to to save the floral print bath mat.
Gorilla, Do you eat that or smoke it.
Nursey, I like choking on hot sauce when my old man gives it to me.
Admiral, If it doesn’t burn don’t give up on it, get it a male enhancement product and try again in a week.
Woeful, I don’t know about thinking outside of the bun, but I sure know about stinking outside the bun.
Bent, I was banned from hooters for bare breast butting the waitresses screaming at them, “You call those tits? These are tits!”
Gypsy, carry on.
Mooooog, You should let the doctor get rid of your moles, melting moles from your skin should not be treated as a game of yard darts.
BDS, Taco Bell is definitely the cheapest way to get an ass thrill.
Axey, what a “fowl” comment!
Blaze, those hot sauce packets are like a Zen thing.
Pajamma momma, so you are a good cook like me!
Blackiswhite, all Mexican hot sauces I’ve tried have awesome flavor. Cholula is for American pu$$y’s though. I love the flavor, just not heated enough.
Upset Waitress on January 28th, 2008
Daisy, hahaha that is fcuking hilarious. Only true pet lovers season their pets turds for them. Haha you talk some funny $hit sis.
Native Minnow on January 28th, 2008
To quote Mr. Bungle: “It’s not funny my ass is on fire.”
Are he and I the only ones that feel that way?
daisyfae on January 28th, 2008
can you picture me (or anyone for that matter) walking through the yard with a bottle of hot sauce, dripping it onto the critter landmines? i had a vision of the damn dog following me around with a napkin tied around his neck, enjoying the freshly seasoned dukies, and then asking for some fucking grey poupon!
Blondefabulous on January 28th, 2008
Worst hot sauce I ever tried was this one called “Insanity”. It was so God damn hot, all I did was dip a spoon in the hot sauce then into the pot of chili I was cooking, and it made the whole damn thing too hot to eat!! A whole day wasted cooking only to have to throw the shit out and go out to dinner at the local fast food waste hole!
Anna on January 28th, 2008
Damn… I’m such a lightweight wuzz. I use ketchup on everything and the mild stuff if at Taco Bell. I am so ashamed…but, hey what can you expect from a gal living south of nowhere and almost 3 feet of snow outside. Doesn’t take much to get the heat risin’ here I guess
Eric on January 29th, 2008
… I once set off the metal detector in an airport because I had so many packets of taco bell sauce in my pockets…. shameful, I know, but I was smuggling them back to Scotland….
Georga on January 29th, 2008
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