Life In The Fast Lane.
Do any of you live on a Highway? I do and let me tell you how it sucks $hit.
First, whenever my dog has to go outside to take a crap he has to dodge all the traffic. He’s come close a few times so his shit muscle is quick. It has been listed in the Guinness book of World Records as the fastest anus in the world. It was clocked shitting at speeds double the speed of sound. I feel bad for him because he can’t take his time and sniff around before he makes a nasty.
Also, people are constantly throwing litter out of their cars windows and into my fcuking yard. My backyard looks like Mount Dumpmore. The state is kicking around the idea of turning it into an official landfill. Ironically my house sits on an old nuclear waste dump. On the bright side, my yard is the street light and I’m growing another breast.
All day long I hear a constant barrage of horns, sirens, and rap music rattling the shit out of some poser’s trunk and my bedroom windows. Of course my neighbor Mr. Johnson thinks it’s me playing a “50 Cent” Cd at high decibels and he goes out of his way to yell at me. I take him by the hand every time, and with a halo of seagulls and bloat flies, we go out back and yell at the highway, “Turn that shit off”.
Anyway, I think highway living is for crazy people. I mean where is there a suckier place to live that you can not enjoy a minutes rest without being beaten to death by reality that doesn’t cost a million dollars and two white kids.
Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur on January 29th, 2008
“On the bright side, my yard is the street light and I’m growing another breast.”
That’s the spirit! Better living through nuclear physics. Besides, think how thrilled Mark will be when he reads it!
Mark on January 29th, 2008
I only have two hands. Is the third tit for my mouth?
Buffalo on January 30th, 2008
Become one with the universe, grasshopper.
bent on January 30th, 2008
Wow - sounds like a great place - when can I move in?
There is some upside, tho…fastest anus in the world has to be good for something…
nursemyra on January 30th, 2008
how does that extra breast fit into the corset?
Gypsy on January 30th, 2008
Does your boyfriend grow any extra appendages from living in the house from Amityville Horror? Seems only fair that you get more bang for your buck too.
moi on January 30th, 2008
I live in New Mexico. A state with only about 1 million folks living on tens of gazillions of acres. So naturally, about 99.8756 percent of us live on a highway of some kind. Which is can get really, really interesting, since New Mexico also boasts one of the highest drunk driving populations in the universe.
Woeful on January 30th, 2008
Sounds like living in New York…
moooooog35 on January 30th, 2008
You’re not seeing the full picture.
On your lawn is a wealth of recycled materials.
5 cents a can, lady…and you’ll soon be on your way to living elsewhere..
..say..at an offramp or something.
USA_Admiral on January 30th, 2008
We did at our last house; Never again.
Any chance of you sending a third breast picture in to Guinness World Records?
Blondefabulous on January 30th, 2008
Live in Memphis in the Frayser area. Nothing like the sound of a gang fight and guns going off to make you feel all warm and fuzzy! On a lighter note, I was watching “Disorderly Conduct” on Spike TV and saw a guy that used to be my neighbor being chased down and arrested on Watkins Ave. in Memphis! Who knew I’d actually know someone on TV!?!
Native Minnow on January 30th, 2008
“Anyway, I think highway living is for crazy people”
Sounds to me like you fit right in
Gorilla Bananas on January 30th, 2008
Three tits? Which pair does a man put his head between?
Mark on January 30th, 2008
“Which pair does a man put his head between?”
It depends on whether he is left or right handed.
Upset Waitress on January 30th, 2008
Blackiswhite, Mark is so easy to please.
Mark, or hand therapy.
Buffalo, I’ve had enough with this oneness.
Bent, new residency will begin as soon as the hazard tape is removed.
Nursey, it doesn’t go into the corsett. I didn’t tell you where it was growing from?
Gypsy, yes he has so many appendages we claim them on our taxes.
moi, and Key West has the most drunk bicyclists. They get into drunken accidents and cause death to themselves and others by getting mangled in their spokes.
woeful, then I should feel at home when I go for a visit.
moooog, I refuse to fight the giant nuclear lizards for the cans.
Admiral, here’s a pic for ya HERE
Blonde, my whole family was responsible for a season of Cops.
Minnow, googly eyes and all.
Gorilla, don’t forget, I didn’t tell you where that 3rd breast was growing.
Mark, I got nothing.
manuel on January 30th, 2008
I know how you feel. Someone dumped a stolen SUV type thingy outside my house at the weekend. The cops finally showed up to deal with it this afternoon at the same time I found myself outside the house due to having left my keys inside. There I was having a friendly chat with the cops when all of a sudden my quiet street turned into the busiest road in Belfast. Everyone was driving by putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 5. Cunts. The neighbors were at it too. They all found reasons to be outside just to see what was happening. Cunts the lot of them….
Mark on January 30th, 2008
Maybe you shoudn’t have stolen the SUV then, Manuel…
Folly on January 30th, 2008
Grew up in Houston. That’s all I have to say.
daisyfae on January 30th, 2008
another bonus? the kid can probably read in the dark without a night light!
Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur on January 30th, 2008
Yeah. the third eye will be real handy for that.
walker on January 31st, 2008
Three tits sounds cool butt where did the third one grow?
axey on January 31st, 2008
I’d trade a highway for an international airport anyday. You wanna think yourself lucky.
Simon who?
Upset Waitress on January 31st, 2008
manuel, so you know how I feel. Your teeth falling out and hair glowing too?
Mark, you make a good point. if you’re gonna hide a stolen car, don’t hide it at your house.
Folly, you are so full of words. Welcome
daisy, he can read your underwear label. he has x-ray vision.
Blackiswhite, no, because like my 3rd breast, his 3rd eye has grown in an awkward place.
walker, on my 4th knee.
axey, no because at least you can shoot your problem out of the sky.
Axey on February 2nd, 2008
Tried that the other week and nearly got caught…
The British Bird on February 8th, 2008
I have been meaning to stop in for a while, thanks for the laughs this morning. Im off to work…:-)
Bird.