It’s Too Tiny.
When I got back from my tour of Louisiana’s prison system, I met a very nice young man who wanted to take me out for a date. We went out for a nice meal at a fancy restaurant. The ambiance was gentle and classy. Candle light and flowers, soft music and champaign. The food was well prepared and presented. After the main course, we shared a baked Alaska. I thought Alaska would be bigger, but it fit right on my plate. I am sure the weather man was confused by the sudden heat wave caused by having his state shoved in the oven. Then we went for a walk on the beach. We held hands and talked for hours. He was perfect. So I thought. After midnight we laid down upon the sand and gazed at the stars. He leaned over me and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. I could taste a hint of the candied cherries from our desert. I was more than aroused. I slowly slid my silk blouse from my shoulders. He nibbled my neck and then seductively kissed my bosom. I couldn’t contain my passion any longer. I tore his shirt from his well chiseled chest. I pulled at his pants. Just as I was about to make him more of man than he has ever been I noticed that something was wrong. I said, “Why aren’t you aroused?” He insisted he was fully erect. I felt again. Nothing. Where is it? Was he built funny? I grabbed my halogen flash light and took a really, really close look. I had a larger penis. He was embarrassed. He said, “I’ve been taking Enzyte for a year now. “I don’t know what to do to expand my real estate.” I told him he needed to learn how perform oral sex and keep pants on with the light off. He started to cry. I held him close then said, “Maybe we should just call it a night.” As he walked me to the door I gave him the number to a plastic surgeon that specializes in gender augmentation. “You might be better off as a woman.” I said. “Why would I want to do that?” He asked rather annoyed. To which I replied, “Because it’s too tiny.”
nursemyra on February 9th, 2008
well done upset waitress. tell it like it is. note to self: remember to carry halogen flash light at all times
Mark on February 9th, 2008
The size of the baked Alaska should have been the tipoff that you were in for an encounter of Lilliputian proportions, I would think…
Gypsy on February 9th, 2008
Its like Christmas whenever I visit here. You just never know what kind of surprise you will get to unwrap when you get here. You are definitely an original Sammi…you rock girl!!
Gorilla Bananas on February 10th, 2008
He should keep a zucchini in his pocket.
moi on February 10th, 2008
And now, I will never again look at that little halogen flashlight I carry for emergencies in quite the same way.
Woeful on February 10th, 2008
Bummer for him…
walker on February 10th, 2008
Maybe if he snorted miracle grow, nah probably make his ears grow.
daisyfae on February 10th, 2008
there are three categories of penile proportions:
- ‘do you even have one’ (see the waitresses story above)
- good enough to get the job done (and relax, guys, this is usually the case!)
- ‘you want me to put that WHERE?!?!?’ (rare, but festive…)
Vanessa on February 10th, 2008
poor guy, but funny.
pajama momma on February 10th, 2008
Is that a gummi-worm in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Jenny on February 10th, 2008
Ahah - Walker’s comment made me laugh.
Erik on February 10th, 2008
Baked Alaska is too oily for my tastes.
upset waitress on February 10th, 2008
Nursemyra, Thank you. I always tell it like it is, or at least how it should be.
Mark, Thanks for the advice. Is that how you decide if your dates have a big enough penis for you?
Gypsy, If can keep rocking, I’ll never get old. I will be the Dick Clark of the internet.
Gorilla, Zucchini is good, but a butternut squash will hit the G-spot.
Moi, You shouldn’t look at your flashlight. You could blind yourself.
Woeful, One small bummer for him. One giant disappointment for me.
Walker, I don’t think he should snort miracle grow. He should probably put one of the feeding spikes up his ass, so it will feed the penis’s roots.
Daisy, I am all about rare but festive. Nothing else will due.
Vanessa, Screw him. What about my needs? Don’t men know it’s all about me?
upset waitress on February 10th, 2008
Jenny, Laughter make the blog go round.
Erik, The oil helps it slide down your pipeline.
jstar on February 10th, 2008
wow, that’s completely cruel. i mean, i would have been surprised, disappointed, turned off, etc. but i know i would maintain my humanity. i’m totally disgusted by you and sincerely hope you were embellishing for the sake of telling a story.
Meiliken on February 10th, 2008
The too tiny article shows a very distasteful turn of society teachings. That no matter how great the man, he will always be judged by the size of his penis. This speaks volumes about the character of the woman, and indeed proves that a woman will never admit that what she claims she looks for and what she is looking for, are never the same. This translates into deceit. Deceit to others and to ones self. If a woman wants honesty, she should give it. But no, my rant is not anti woman. Men are the same as women in all respects. Men look for the BBD as well. BBD means “bigger, better, deal”, for those that don’t know. When people say “I love you”, they really mean “I love you, until someone else gives me more”. In general, all of society encourages this sort of derailed thinking. What can I get? How long can I get it? If it runs out, can I find a replacement. This is truly the same characteristics of animals. Women want to be the queen of the herd, and men want to be the king of the herd. If anyone sees another that is higher, they desire that elevation. So don’t delude yourselves that love exists, or that you’re higher than animals. You simply follow your instincts.
Mark on February 10th, 2008
Mark, Thanks for the advice. Is that how you decide if your dates have a big enough penis for you?
Wow. Not getting laid put someone in a really pissy mood…
upset waitress on February 10th, 2008
Mark, Not getting laid should put everyone in a pissy mood. However I don’t need a reason.
Pajama, yes it is a gummy worm, and I’ll only be happy to see you if you lick it.
Restaurant Gal on February 11th, 2008
Dating necessity–flashlight. Check.
This is why I limit my involvement in such a fascinating past time as dating. Yikes.
Upset Waitress on February 14th, 2008
Jstar, You wouldn,t be the first to be disgusted by me, and since hope springs eternal, I hope I will be able to disgust many more small penis people such as yourself in the future.
Meiliken, There was nothing deceitful about my post I unlike most people was brutally honest. My advice to you would be to get over your last lover and what they did to you and move on. Please in the future write your posts on your own website and try to keep your comments brief. Most people loose interest in what you have to say about the third word.
Restaurant Gal, Why date? you and that little friend on the night stand are the dating any woman needs, maybe the occasional house hold appliance.