My Career Has Gone to the Dogs.
I got to thinking. Which gets me into trouble. What if I were to open my own business? I could be a professional dog walker. More and more professionals are getting dogs for companionship. Let’s face it, dating is time consuming, and if they do meet someone to share their time with, chances are the other person will resent playing second fiddle to a career. Not a dog. A dog will love you no matter what kind of an ass you are. They are always happy to see you. They never question you about where you were all night. They won’t leave you for the man or woman next door. Unless it is my dog, it won’t stay out getting drunk, or using drugs. A dog generally doesn’t dirty more than two dishes. Most times only one dish is required because they are content to drink from the toilet. Much like myself when I’m on a good bender. However, even though the average professional loves the convenient and unconditional love received by their mutt, they just don’t have the time to walk them. Without a good dog walker a house will fill up with excrement in just a few weeks. That’s fine if you are a fecalpheliac, but not for the rest of us. An un-walked animal will soon need a lap band or liposuction in order to fit into it’s tutu that the queer eye guys have chosen for it. So first thing is first. I need business cards.
Creating my business cards was easy and cheap. I simply chose a preset logo design, added my desired text and background. The whole process was so easy my mentally challenged 14yr old nephew could do it. Well, he could if he wasn’t blind too. I love point and click. I soon had the perfect business card. All that was left to do was press print. I wish these people could make everything that simple for me.
Restaurant Gal on February 11th, 2008
I am sending you a supply of biodegradable poop bags as a business-launch gift. Oh, and my little dog, too.
Woeful on February 11th, 2008
Maybe you should go into graphic design…
Tony on February 11th, 2008
you should put a picture of your boobs on the business card, or just send me a bunch of naked pictures of yourself and i’ll make a variety of business cards you can choose from:)
Gypsy on February 11th, 2008
That’s an interesting career choice Sammi. Maybe you should take up training as well….I bet there are a few tricks you could teach those old dogs….
Buffalo on February 11th, 2008
I’m thinkin’ you need professional help way more than you need business cards.
moi on February 11th, 2008
Wait until the local dog park denizens get a gander at you. “Hey, can she come in here with that bottle?”
axey on February 11th, 2008
I thin it’s a shit - I mean hit.
Native Minnow on February 11th, 2008
The problem with starting a dog walking service is that then you have to walk dogs.
Paco on February 11th, 2008
you can pick up my shit anytime, honey.
Blondefabulous on February 11th, 2008
Branch out and add on poop patrol services as well for people who leave their dogs in the yard all day to crap as they please. You can call it “On Doody” the yard pet waste disposal company! I want a 10% cut if it catches on!!!
(you know I need it!)
LBB on February 11th, 2008
Best of luck with the new venture. Doggone good idea.
upset waitress on February 11th, 2008
Restaurant Gal, Just so you know, I will keep the bags, but I will give your dog to a starving Vietnamese family.
Woeful, I often been told that I am too graphic.
Tony, You must have me confused with Paris Hilton.
Gypsy, I gave up all my tricks, until I get a good pimp.
Buffalo, Maybe so. Is Dr. Ruth still alive?
Moi, Just remember it is hard for a drunk dog to misbehave.
Axey, The trick is not to get hit with shit.
Minnow, That’s the easy part. All you have to do is tie a stick to the dogs back that hangs in front of it, and duct tape a cat to the end.
Paco, I thought I established I am not in to tiny things in my last post.
Blondefabulous, If I give you ten percent I won’t be able to afford to pay illegal immigrants to do the jobs Americans won’t do.
manuel on February 11th, 2008
most of my sex these days is point and click…..
she on February 11th, 2008
fecalpheliac! marvelous! er….thats a damn cute dog drawing. listen i think you should add a doggie day care….that way professional peeps with no time for their pet leave them with you….you play with all all them and get more money! yay!
how was mardi gras? never mind i will scroll down
pajama momma on February 11th, 2008
Can you take my dog too please? I promise he will not drag you across the asphault if he sees a car, dog, cat, squirrel, butterfly or windblown piece of trash. Really, he won’t.
Restaurant Gal on February 11th, 2008
pajama momma–NOOO!. She takes my dog first and spares its show-girl-gone-bad life. Yours will go into the stew pot of the starving Vietnamese family. OKAY? Just so we understand each other.
Troll on February 11th, 2008
I’ve never employed a dog-walking service because I’m not a lazy piece-of-shit azzhat. However, I have employed in-house “dog sitters” when vacationing. I loved them! Yes, they drank a lot of my booze. But they left insanely detailed “dog diary” notes that were noticably less legible and funnier as they got drunker. The dog’s “mood” upon entrance and exit was dutifully recorded. Bowel movement exposition included color, time spent, and solidity.
I was thinking…you’d be a great dog-sitter.
walker on February 12th, 2008
And when you’re tired and blue sitting on the park bend all alone the dog will come and shag your leg telling you’re still hot.
pajama momma on February 12th, 2008
Yours will go into the stew pot of the starving Vietnamese family
Ok, well since I am a lazy piece-of-shit azzhat, can you walk my dog to the Vietnamese family?
azahar on February 12th, 2008
I had a blind friend back in Canada who obviously walked with his dog a lot, and he used to chortle about the ‘picking up afterwards’, saying how using the plastic bag as a glove to pick up and then turning it inside out always felt so squidgy and warm… presumably his dog always led him to the poop so he could pick it up.
Dog walking is unfortunately a job option that is created by people who shouldn’t have dogs in the first place.
Tony on February 12th, 2008
does this mean you don’t love cats anymore???
Blondefabulous on February 12th, 2008
Hey UW, wanna laugh your ass off? Check my latest blog installment about the furry rat I call my dog! No Lie! It really happened!!!
Gorilla Bananas on February 12th, 2008
Dogs have a bone in their dick. It sounds good, but wait until you’ve tried it before making a commitment.
jahooni on February 13th, 2008
this is a hoot. I was JUST SAYING TODAY THAT I NEED a professional dog walker!
kyknoord on February 13th, 2008
It’s important to have an angle when starting out. Do you think there’ll be much of a market for a professional dog-swimmer?
moooooog35 on February 13th, 2008
fecalphiliac would be a great name for a rock band.