Ever seen a waitress on Valentine’s Day? We get lots of candy from our regulars. After a day of slinging hash, I had the pleasure of coming home with several red heart shaped boxes full of chocolates. My boyfriend and son got all excited. At first glimpse, we were all in chocolate heaven. We tore open the first giant cardboard heart. Square and round fancy candies never looked so good. It became more and more obvious that we would be unable to eat a large majority of the confections. I had forgotten that eating a box of chocolates is like a game of sugary Russian roulette. My son grabbed a beautifully decorated cube. He took a bite. Immediately he spat it against the wall. “What the hell is your problem?” I yelled at him. “It is awful!” he exclaimed. I grabbed one that looked the same. It was a wonderful dark chocolate covered caramel. I smacked him in the head, and sent him to his room. Then my old man took a well rounded piece with a lovely rose pattern on the top. He placed the whole thing in his mouth. Pahtooy! he too spat his candy. Now I had chocolate on the wall and the ceiling. I flicked him in the nose and cursed him until he left. After he had gone and my son had cried himself to sleep, I cleaned up their messes and settled into my comfy chair with the box of candy. I took another piece and popped it in my mouth. “Holy shit!” I exclaimed as I scooped the chocolate from my mouth and onto the floor. It had to be the worst thing I had ever eaten. Who the hell thinks it’s O.K. to stuff orange marmalade into a gorgeous piece of chocolate? Next Saint Valentines Day, the first person that gives me a box of chocolates is going to get my boot in their ass. Besides, nothing says I love you like money.
17 Responses to ' If This Is Love, You Can Keep It. '
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on February 15th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
A few thoughts to consider:
1. You still have a BF after your torrid affair with Teusday the Goat?
2. Someone gave you something for Valentines Day and you’re bitching about it?
3. We know you’re crazy. That’s the reason for your readership. (well, that and the occasional gratuitous photos) Sane people are boring.
on February 15th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Blackiswhite, hey, I stayed with my BF eventhough he had many torrid affairs with gerbils. :>
on February 15th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
chocolate maramlade? I’d like some of that on my toast in the mornings
on February 15th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
You could have been my bitch for Valentine’s Day.
on February 15th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
There’s nothing like a gag inducing confection to brighten your day!
on February 15th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
I’m working my way through a box of Godiva that my wife bought me. Hand picked stuff.
Let me assure that there’s not a dud in the bunch!
on February 15th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
And so the legend of Raggot, the Wonder Gerbil lives on, to terrorize another unsuspecting generation.
on February 15th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Nothing says I love you like sex toys and massage oils! When my hubby worked at a hot shop in Memphis, I would “ride” his employee discount for all it was worth!
on February 15th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
all i got for valentines day was ‘mashed’ backstage by fucktard the stalker boy. i’d rather have been puking up chocolates…
on February 16th, 2008 at 12:34 am
That Paco sure spreads his favours around. He asked me to be his Valentine and now he’s saying you could have been his BITCH …what’s the deal with THAT?
on February 16th, 2008 at 7:12 am
i’ve never spat cash out…….
on February 16th, 2008 at 10:21 am
I really want to know what some of those insides of the candies are?
on February 16th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Gypsy – it’s true.. I’m a DOG.
(hee)
on February 16th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Just checking out the mobile version of your site. Looking good. I should try to make my site easy to use for mobile phone users. Oh and I love marmalade.
on February 17th, 2008 at 10:37 am
I’ve never understood why they would screw up perfectly good chocolate by putting shit like that in them. That’s why I stick with mr. goodbars!
on February 17th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
nursey, yes marmalade is meant for toast. Not things like tuna or chocolates for christmas sake.
Paco, you can only do it doggy style. Go screw a leg or something.
Woeful, I think I threw out my back dry heaving.
LBB, you’re married. There’s nothing for you to brag about.
Blonde, I agree. Gimme a big ole fake dick any day of the year and I’m all smiles.
daisy, something needs to be done right away!
Gypsy, he’s a whore. Pure and simple.
Paco, I would beat ya on the rump with the Herald I got today but I know you’d complain it wasn’t good enough.
manuel, so can I watch you lick this penny?
SoHos, I’m not sure. Something tasted like burnt cardboard, others like crabby patties.
Qelqoth, like it? It’s a Wordpress plug-in.
bent, I’m a Nestle crunch kind of gal
on February 17th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Chocolate Roulette. I love it. It’s a terrible thing when people ruin good chocolate with bad fillings. At least you got a couple of good bits out of the batch