I really like going to the gym now. I don’t like to go to hang out or anything. But all of a sudden, my ass is liking it. At first I hated it.
The smell.
I think it’s from the sweaty dudes that have pores the size of quarters in their nut sacks. They simply let their balls weep everywhere. It could be their dirty sweat socks. Possibly putrid pits pouring puddles of perspiration. I got it. It smells like soured butt wipes and rotted potted meat.
The treadmill.
It’s not like walking on a nice path where there are bushes, trees, and birds for scenery. You walk for miles and don’t go friggin anywhere or see anything accept that fat ass wearing a size negative 2 leotard in front of you on the elliptical machine, reading a novel and doing a crossword at the same time.
The weight room.
People sound like they are shitting their pants. I would hear a grunt and immediately turn my head to investigate. I fixed this by getting that nanoriffic iPod. I still hear people grunt out their own stench and it makes you wonder if they crapped up their gym shorts.
The shower room.
As if the rest of the gym wasn’t gross enough. After a long hard workout everyone attempts to clean themselves in the fungus covered shower stalls. While under the trickle of the lime encrusted shower head, you can hear the sounds of people squeezing out the rest of their last meal in the community crappers. The steam captures and concentrates the stench of poo. One good inhale is all it takes to destroy whatever appetite one may have worked up working out.
The parking lot.
This is where everyone gathers to enjoy a smoke. Nothing says “I’m here to be healthy” like a good cigarette. After reminding our lungs who’s boss, it is time for us to all back out of our parking spaces at the same time. This creates grid lock. Then it is time for a boxing match that doesn’t end until the police manage to break it up by tazing and tear gassing the crowd. Then it’s time to go home and prepare for tomorrows workout.
33 Responses to ' Ambience. '
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on March 1st, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Yeah, that makes me want to join a gym.
on March 2nd, 2008 at 2:58 am
Sounds like you are having WAY to much fun girl. I want to come to your gym.
on March 2nd, 2008 at 3:15 am
Well, I must say that reading this has certainly put me off my breakfast. Perhaps I should come back and read this before meals as part of my new weight loss programme.
on March 2nd, 2008 at 3:54 am
blech! you’ve put me off my dinner. but you haven’t put me off chocolate. pass me the cadburys
on March 2nd, 2008 at 7:47 am
For years I lifted 3-4 times a week and was up to 225lb. bench presses, then I slipped a disk in an unrelated accident and have yet to get back into a regular cycle again. For the first time I don’t have a washboard stomach, I have a gut… And it will not do.
on March 2nd, 2008 at 9:23 am
“Of course, you’ll still be you in a legal sense, but a better, more handsome you. Just remember, at GloboGym we’re better than you, and we know it!”
on March 2nd, 2008 at 11:18 am
rotted potted meat…wow! On my way to the gym now xox!
on March 2nd, 2008 at 11:20 am
I think I would have to smell up the SUV before I would shower in a place like that.
on March 2nd, 2008 at 11:43 am
sounds like a pilot for a new reality show – Fear Factor Fitness Facility.
on March 2nd, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Not to mention the planters warts you’ll get on your feet from walking in the showers
on March 2nd, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I used to play squash with a friend in an attempt for her to lose weight and we then went straight down the pub and downed several pints of beer and smoked our way through several packets of Marlboro Lights (lights sounds healthy) and each ate a sausage sandwich. Everyone kept away because we were so desperate to get to the pub that we didn’t bother to take a shower!
on March 2nd, 2008 at 12:39 pm
MMMMMM…Rotten Ball sack.
on March 2nd, 2008 at 12:44 pm
My gym smells like disinfectant. i was robbed.
on March 2nd, 2008 at 1:04 pm
well you almost got me convinced to join up….:)))
on March 2nd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Sounds like a good place to go if you’re trippin’ on acid.
on March 2nd, 2008 at 5:59 pm
OK. There are some visuals in this post that have cured me of the gym forever.
on March 2nd, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Folly, You must have an incredibly bored nose.
Gypsy, You have an odd concept of fun.
Azahar, Wow you have given me a great idea. I am going sell these stories as a weight loss aid. That will be three dollars please.
Nursemyra, I will just have to try harder.
Woeful, I know you’re a man but… No regular cycle? I had no idea a slipped disc could screw with periods. How on earth do you do your laundry now?
Blonde, Ah, a Dodge ball fan.
SoHoS, I never knew that rotted potted meat was so inspirational.
Becky, Suv’s stink anyway.
Daisy, A fairly foul farce of futility.
Minnow, I can’t get planters warts. I’m not a farmer.
Reluctant, Squashing your friend while you drink beer and smoke cigarettes and she eats some ones sausage, is no way to lose weight. However, it does sound like a fun Saturday night.
Mark, Is that what interests you? How do you feel about same sex marriage.
Blackiswhite, You were robbed by Mr. Clean?
Robert B., What else can I say to help you make your decision.
Buffalo, Only if the walls were polka dotted and the lighting was black lights.
Admiral, Let me know when those images get hazy, and I will be happy to revivify them for you.
on March 2nd, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Ahh, the grunts, the sweat on the balls and on the chest, the satisfying smoke afterward…hey, are we talking about the gym or sex here?
on March 2nd, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Bent, I was talking about the gym. If your sex in any way resembles the above post, by all means, count me out.
on March 2nd, 2008 at 9:20 pm
I think it’s from the sweaty dudes that have pores the size of quarters in their nut sacks.
Bwaaaaaahahahaha… very distinctive scent, eh?
on March 3rd, 2008 at 1:50 am
You don’t think there might be a link between the weight room and the smell, do you?
on March 3rd, 2008 at 8:18 am
Mmmmm…steamy poo.
Great…now I want Taco Bell.
Do the girls have shower stalls, or do you all have a communal shower like in Porky’s?
(..by the way…that’s me waving “hi” through the hole in the wall..)
on March 3rd, 2008 at 9:00 am
Gawd, that’s what put me off the gym – the smell. I’d always get stuck on the machine next to the guy who obviously never, ever washed his gym kit. Eye blisteringly horrible.
on March 3rd, 2008 at 9:09 am
You pretty much nailed a lot of the drawbacks of the gym, and the guys who grunt like they’re about to pass a child or horrible gas get on my nerves the worst.
But I too have a Ipod Nano, so just crank the volume and tune everyone else out. That’s what I do as I want to get my workout done and get out of the gym.
on March 3rd, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I was stupid once and joined a gym. Six months, fifty million poochy smells, and three bazillion too many truly poochy nekkid bodies later, I grabbed my Manolos and ran screaming from the building. I figured, I work at home, I eat at home, I never leave home. May as well workout at home.
on March 3rd, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Pardon me while I go stifle my gag reflex. I am never going to a gym. NEVER.
Thanks, UW.
on March 3rd, 2008 at 6:40 pm
You are now ready to join a boxing gym. Take everything you wrote about (minus the treadmill) and multiple that x 2.
You and your ass are always welcome.
on March 3rd, 2008 at 6:41 pm
I was away but I’m back now……..you miss me?
on March 4th, 2008 at 12:09 am
catscratch, Yeah it smells a little like blue cheese packed in moldy pickle brine.
Kyknoord, I do believe it is a culmination of all the components involved with the sharing of enclosed spaces.
Moooooog, Who doesn’t crave Taco Bell upon hearing or seeing the words steamy poo?
Luka, Your supposed to wash that stuff?
BDS, I have found that the more I turn up the volume the louder they grunt.
Moi, With that many nekkid people you couldn’t find at least one to grab your manolos? Tragic.
Ali, You should never stifle you gag reflex. You may need it for the next time a politician says something.
Jenny, I’ll send my donkey first. If he likes it I may join.
Manuel, Yes I missed you, but I’ll take better aim next time.
on March 4th, 2008 at 12:48 am
Isn’t it brilliant… and see, ass addictive!
on March 4th, 2008 at 9:18 am
I find it’s best when on the treadmill to wear those blinder thingies they put on horses. It keeps me focused on the TV’s in front of me.
I am however, still trying to figure out how to keep from getting knocked unconscious by my swinging arm fat.
on March 4th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Beaver, The gym was the perfect solution for my crack addicted ass =)
Momma, apply a tourniquet to your upper arms for several weeks. Your arms will eventually fall off. Problem solved
on March 5th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Yep, you actually summed things up pretty well.
I love my gym!