Have you heard of the magic pill “Chantix”? It’s a blue pill that plays jump rope with the tiny threaded dots that are in your brain. In other words, it helps smokers quit. I am smoke-free for the first time in my adult life.
Anyway, some people are claiming it makes them severely depressed with suicidal thoughts. Not so for me. There is no point in quitting smoking if I wanted to off myself. I just want to kill every body else. Which is the norm for me.
Another side effect is it makes you have nightmares or lucid dreams. I just think of it like I’m going to a free movie. Bonus. I did sleep walk a couple of times, which was like exercise. But it was nothing like Ambien, which makes you drive to work, complete all of your assignments, then go workout for a couple of hours, hit the bar and pick up a lover, drive them home, commit a crime or two, and make it back to your bed just in time to wake up refreshed for another hard days work. This can often lead to high expectations for your boss.
Yesterday I lost my peripheral vision on the left side. It was awesome. I smacked my boss four times while I was talking with my hands, and twice more just for fun. He couldn’t tell the difference. Shortly there after I lost feeling in my left hand. That would have been fine except I was leaning on the grill. Now I have third degree burns on my left thumb. I won’t be able to hitchhike for a month. Worst of all, I can’t shit. If I had a dark tan I would look like a starving Ethiopian in need of Sally Struthers. At least I’m saving water. Even though I have all these side effects, I know I won’t get cancer from smoking. I will have to get it from something else.
24 Responses to ' The Great American Smoke Out. '
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on March 6th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
congrats on quitting smoking. the 3rd year is the toughest…
on March 6th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
When I read magic blue pill, I thought you were going to write, “Viagra.”
on March 7th, 2008 at 12:24 am
I quit quitting. Decided to see how long I could go between smokes. Made it just over 7 years. Lost the habit, but never lost the taste.
on March 7th, 2008 at 2:13 am
The not shitting would annoy me. It’s like you’ve given up two pleasures rather than one.
on March 7th, 2008 at 4:33 am
wow where can I get me some of that Ambien?
on March 7th, 2008 at 5:22 am
Laughing at Gorilla…yep that sucks to have one of life’s great pleasures taken away from you while trying to quit another. When the gates finally open you better organise a mass evacuation because that baby is gonna smell BAD!
on March 7th, 2008 at 5:23 am
I was so busy thinking about bowel movements I forgot to say CONGRATULATIONS!!! I’m very proud of you Sammi.
on March 7th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Nobody likes a quitter, but smoking is one of the exceptions! We have lawywers trolling for clients with commercials advertising Chantix as bad, so if something evil does happen maybe you can make some quick cash off of it and retire!
on March 7th, 2008 at 7:46 am
That’s excellent news! Would you be able to come over here and smack my boss a couple of times?
on March 7th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Congrats on quitting smoking. Seven plus years myself. All I can say is I freakin’ HATE being smoke free, but I guess it’s all been wooooorrrrthhhh it.
But, hey, I think I’ll go try some a that Ambien!
on March 7th, 2008 at 11:25 am
I smoked soley so I could “accidently” burn people with the lit end. Now I chew tobacco. Hockkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk….ooops!
on March 7th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Sounds like you got every side effect listed on the box!
on March 7th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
I hope it goes well for you!
on March 7th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
I smacked my boss four times while I was talking with my hands, and twice more just for fun. He couldn’t tell the difference.
Fucking hell you’re funny!
on March 8th, 2008 at 7:09 am
I will die a happy bitch. I drink more wine than an individual should ever consume, that and beer. I smoke like a freight train. I tan often. I inhale the noxious dust from the drilling of my perfectly perfect nails at the nail salon (that shit must be deadly, the little korean dude that does my nails is hiding in that mask).
Lesson. Life’s short, do what ya gotta do to make it a helluva ride, babygirl!
on March 8th, 2008 at 9:01 am
Gosh, you almost never hear the words Sally Struthers anymore. Impressive. Both your memory and giving up the cigs.
on March 8th, 2008 at 11:56 am
congratulations, sugar!
on March 8th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Daisy, If that is so I feel sorry for everyone around me.
Woeful, I don’t need Viagra. I can have an erect penis any time I want.
Buffalo, You quit quitting? That makes you a professional quitter. Quit that.
Gorilla, Yes but it saves time in the morning.
Nursemyra, Your local drug dealer, I mean doctor can give it to you.
Gypsy, I think I’m going to start writing an Exlax cook book.
Blonde, They just changed the warning label, adding new side effects. As if the ones they already had weren’t bad enough.
Kyknoord, Only if you’ll come over here and shit for me.
Moi, Clearly I have a long road ahead.
Clumsy, I never considered eating my cigarettes.
Vanessa, I even have a few they don’t know about.
Becky, That would be nice, but totally out of character for me.
Mark, Not as funny as I should be.
Catscatch, I suppose you work in a chemical factory as an acid rain taste tester.
Azahar, That’s because no one wants to remember Sally Struthers.
Savannah, Thanks, a city in Georgia.
on March 8th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
First, CONGRATS!!!!
Second,
“But it was nothing like Ambien, which makes you drive to work, complete all of your assignments, then go workout for a couple of hours, hit the bar and pick up a lover, drive them home, commit a crime or two, and make it back to your bed just in time to wake up refreshed for another hard days work.”
Is fucking hysterical. And so true.
on March 9th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Jenny, I see you are spit shining your blog =)
on March 9th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I took Ambien, cleansed my blog and then woke up and said “who the hell messed with my space.”??
I’m back.
-ish
on March 10th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Effin hell girl, go back to the Marlys!
on March 11th, 2008 at 1:51 am
I wear two patches.
One to quit smoking and one for after sex.
on March 11th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Hi My hubby is a chain smoker and I am trying to help him so that he can quit but hez not… Should I try Chantix…
Please advise