The Truth About Pilates.
I thought I should share my two boobs worth on pilates. I always thought pilates was kind of like yoga on meth. I also thought it was a low impact exercise just for women too. Sort of like receiving oral sex. Come to think of it, there was not one male in the class. Pussies.
Anyway, I went to my first pilates class completely unprepared. Much like President Bush reading my pet goat. I was in my gym clothes, running shoes, carrying a bottle of water, complete with my iPod clipped to my waste. If you were there, I was the idiot with flat tire abs, and T-shirt that said “I love French fries”. I had to strip off my shoes and turn off my iPod. Which pissed me off because I had to listen to some sort of Zen crap instead. The only time I feel Zen is when I have just beat the crap out of something or someone. The music reminded me of butterflies, which reminded me I had to mow my lawn, which reminded me I should shave, which… nevermind. The point is, the music was ear valium.
Back on topic. I had to lay on a hard floor. Bitches could’ve told me to bring a mat or something. Then I had to find some sort of core powerhouse thingy and pull it in. WTF? It wasn’t that difficult though. I spent several minutes trying to get my navel to lay against my spine until I finally got it right. Now when the evil instructor told me to slowly lift my leg, that’s when I discovered the pit of hell. I’m talking hell like in the bible. You know, where the devil is shoving a pitchfork in your torso. Whilst brimstone sears your muscles. Finally I slowly got to lower my leg and lift the other one instead. This is where the burnt skin started to peel off my torso and the evil instructor threw boiling oil on me and no amount of breathing helped.
So if you ever wonder what a hot meteor falling through the atmosphere and landing on your tummy is like, then pilates is for you. Anyway…
My friend Axe asked me for a big favor, which I have happily complied. He wanted a link to a furniture catalog. I don’t know why, maybe he’s an interior decorator on the side or something.
Mark on March 13th, 2008
Now when the evil instructor told me to slowly lift my leg, that’s when I discovered the pit of hell. I’m talking hell like in the bible. You know, where the devil is shoving a pitchfork in your torso. Whilst brimstone sears your muscles. Finally I slowly got to lower my leg and lift the other one instead. This is where the burnt skin started to peel off my torso and the evil instructor threw boiling oil on me and no amount of breathing helped.
Someone’s HORNING in on my gig…
I’m first!!!!!
Doctor Trollstein on March 13th, 2008
That would have been easier to follow if you typed in something resembling the English Language.
daisyfae on March 13th, 2008
Pilates instructors have no sense of humor. I got kicked out of my first class for calling it “pi-layts” class.
I didn’t even get a chance to start making all kinds of pirate jokes (pronouncing it “pi-RAH-tays”).
pajama momma on March 13th, 2008
I will tell those limber, lithe little bitches where they can stick their cores as soon as I’m in shape enough to catch them.
moi on March 13th, 2008
Pilates is the Scientology of the exercise world, sa’ll I’m saying.
Woeful on March 13th, 2008
“Bitches could’ve told me to bring a mat or something” — LMAO!!
Blackiswhite, Imperial AgentProvocateur on March 13th, 2008
Gee, you make it sound like so much fun. I’ll stick to the cardio and nautilus, thanks.
Jenny on March 13th, 2008
I paid for 10 sessions once, got through 1 and never went back. It just wasn’t me. Plus, I don’t think it’s something you do to get in shape, I think people who are in shape do it just to show how fabulous they are.
And… “Ear valium” - I’m totally stealing that from you.
kyknoord on March 14th, 2008
I also got kicked out of my first pilates class because I insisted on speaking to Pontius.
azahar on March 14th, 2008
Yeah, isn’t pilates great! (I can tell you like it really). A good instructor makes all the difference. I was once subjected to but the guy we have now is great.
No mats? Weird.
azahar on March 14th, 2008
Strange, there should have been a link in my comment. Oh well. So in order for that sentence to make sense it should read…
I was once subjected to the pilates instructor from hell but the guy we have now is great.
If you want to read the post you can search ‘pilates instructor from hell’ over at my place.
nursemyra on March 14th, 2008
I loathe all forms of exercise except pilates. how can you not like exercise that you do lying down?
USA_Admiral on March 14th, 2008
So; What was is it like to be back from hell?
I am thinking Cheeseburger, hot wings and fries.
Gorilla Bananas on March 14th, 2008
I thought Pilates was the guy who judged Jesus, so I’ve learned something new. Hotness in the tummy has got to be good for you. Keep at it and sob a lot.
Blondefabulous on March 14th, 2008
Coulda been worse…. I was taking a pilates class when I lived up in Memphis and the class had all types in it. In particular, the octogenarian lady who got the farts every frickin’ time she was in formation behind me! I had to quit after 2 weeks. Having tha pointed at me every other day was just torture.
“Now lift your leg, ladies.”
“pbbbbbbbbbbttttttttt!”
Axe on March 14th, 2008
Good post. And not an ad in sight! Shame on you!!!
moooooog35 on March 14th, 2008
I had NO IDEA I was so good at Pilates.
Because you just described what I do to take a sh*t.
..except the laying on the floor part…that would be a total mess.
she on March 14th, 2008
i was in a 6 week pilates bootcamp. in week five i blew out my C-7 vertebrae and now i have my second bride o frankenstein neck gash. i loved the class though. and my waist looked very nice. there was a yoga component to the class as well. anyway, the part where you curl your neck up and hold chin in while you suck in and lift? please be aware of strain in your neck and get one of those little bricks if you have to support it. you’l still get the core action. i wish i had done that. youre a lot younger so i shouldnt worry….im just sayin.
BDS on March 14th, 2008
Sounds about right for Pilates. I’ve sent people to those classes, but never gone myself. I can’t say you’ve convinced me to alter my stance.
Native Minnow on March 14th, 2008
I’ll just pass on pilates and continue to gain weight. Pass the cheesecake, please.
Beaverboosh on March 14th, 2008
Grasshopper, once you have sucked your navel through your asshole, you are free to go.
upsetwaitress on March 14th, 2008
Mark, Horning in on your gig? are you gigging frogs?
Doctor, The English language is so boring.
Daisy, Humor has little place in most torture chambers.
Pajama, I am going to be in shape just in time for my funeral at the rate I’m going.
Moi, What? You don’t believe in the words of L. Ron Hubbard? If it’s good enough for Tom Cruise it’s good enough for me.
Woeful, I never considered that I could simply laugh to slim out my ass.
Blackiswhite, So you like to exercise two-thousand leagues under the sea?
Jenny, If you take my ear valium, take care not to overdose.
Kyknoord, Perhaps you should have just gone to McDonalds instead. It is cheaper and they won’t kick you out.
Azahar, No thanks, one instructor from hell is plenty.
Nursemyra, There is only one exercise I like to do while laying down.
Admiral, Unfortunately My diet no longer includes food with flavor.
Gorilla, It may have been Pilates who judged Jesus in the past. Now that honor falls on the I.N.S..
Blonde, I like to break wind when I am next to the skinny little bitches that are just there because they are bored.
Axe, I can still put an ad in if it would please you. Anything for you.
Moooooog, Let me know when you can shit on the floor without missing the toilet. I would like learn how.
She, If I had a little brick I would beat the shit out of that sadistic bitch that keeps playing that music. What is wrong with Ozzy?
BDS, You are cruel sending people to that class.
Minnow, MMMMMM, cheesecake.
Beaverboosh, If I have sucked my belly button though my asshole, haven’t I just gone?
havingmycake on March 14th, 2008
I did one Pilates class. It was very hard and very dull. Id far rather hit things
Mr. DNA on March 14th, 2008
Screw pilates.
I just started doing the next big thing in fitness.
It’s called “ditch digging”. Excellent cardio, strength training and you get a tan too!
awesome
walker on March 14th, 2008
Sounds like you are being trained for Iraq, you better watch it or you might find yourself working undercover wrapped up in a sheet makeing funny loud soumds with your tongue and I don;t mean the sounds of your tongue getting unstuck from the roof of your mouth because of peanut butter.
The Snarkiest on March 16th, 2008
Thanks for your two boobs worth on Pilates. My two balls worth is that yours was the Snarkiest Post of the Day in the best sense of that word. If you want to display it, your award is at http://bp3.blogger.com/_T_92poZHMOY/R9wC5tRPTfI/AAAAAAAAABA/Go2liyz6lbU/S1600-R/snarkiestPOTD.jpg
It’s probably wasn’t worth the hard floor and the burning stomach to win, but watcha gonna do?
Sarah on March 16th, 2008
The most ass-kicking pilates class I’ve ever taken, which ended in me crawling out the room like a dying cat, was particuarly harsh because the istructor was 8 1/2 months pregnant. And she did everything right along with us.
They’re a different breed, I tell ya.
Folly on March 18th, 2008
I’m allergic to all forms of exercise.