I’m Not Giving Up One More Thing.
I’ve quit smoking. I’ve quit eating junk. I’ve even quit drinking for a day(with drug rehabilitation), but I don’t think I would ever be able to quit blogging, and since they don’t make blogging anti-abuse drugs, a blogger just has to quit cold turkey. Yesterday I asked a friend of mine how she was able to quit blogging. She said “I finally got a boyfriend”. Nice, but that’s not an option for me. See, I got rid of my boyfriend so I could blog more.
So I called my brother and asked him how he stopped this nasty habit and he said “Well I lost my arms when you ran your car into my living room”. That’s one way to quit, but that’s not going to help me. If I had lost my arms, I would just type with my nubs. If I lost my nubs, I would type with my toes. If my feet fell off, I would type with my knees. If the rest of my legs spontaneously combusted, I would type with my charred genitalia. If while slithering down to the bar I slipped into a puddle of sulfuric acid that melted my lower torso, I would type with my voluptuous breasts. If my massive mammaries rolled down the street, I would type with my tongue. Of course I would have to make my blogs more tasteful. If I got blisters on my tongue from excessive blogging, I would type with my nose. If leprosy made my nose fall off, I would type with my eyelashes. When those eroded away, I would type with my eye balls, until I poked them out on the point of my story. Which is… I will blog forever. See, I like to drink and blog.
Jenny on March 16th, 2008
Hey, we have the same laptop. Except I have marshmallow Easter bunnies around mine and you have pills. You have cigarettes and I have ….but still, pretty close. I’m glad to see you’ve recomitted your vows to the Internet. I’ll sleep better tonight knowing this blog is safe.
(P.S. good job on the eliminating the junk.)
daisyfae on March 16th, 2008
what kinda pills are those? Correctol?
Shit…
Qelqoth on March 16th, 2008
Yeah, this whole blogosphere stuff is just like Pokemon, innit?
kyknoord on March 17th, 2008
“…If I had lost my arms, I would just type with my nubs…”
Sounds so much like a Simon & Garfunkel song.
Gorilla Bananas on March 17th, 2008
You can’t quit. You’ve got too much craziness in your head. If you don’t let it out you’ll explode.
gullbogan on March 17th, 2008
Having a troll who picks you out as his or her favourite erotomania helps.
I hope that doesn’t happen to you. Keep on bloggin’.
Blondefabulous on March 17th, 2008
I find blogging to be a good source of fiber in my morning. Without it, I would become irregular and a grumpy human being to boot!
nursemyra on March 17th, 2008
you’d type with your genitalia? that must be one helluva clit you got there girlfriend….
I’m jealous
Gypsy on March 17th, 2008
Oooh I’m still on your blog roll….yeah don’t be a big wuss bag like me and pack up your laptap and go home. That would really suck having to type with your genitalia, your charred genitalia at that….I’m going to go to bed mulling over how that is even possible.
moooooog35 on March 17th, 2008
Wow…at the end there, with you typing with your eyelids, I’m assuming you’ll look like Charo.
Woeful on March 17th, 2008
That’s dedication!
Axey on March 17th, 2008
Yes, a holiday is what is required for you. A long holiday. No PC. No mobile phone. Nuttin’. That might help. It’s what I need!!!
moi on March 17th, 2008
I don’t know which of your talents is greater: the ability to make me laugh or to totally gross out. But I’m glad to see you’re a Mac user at least. Happy Drunk Day to ya!
upsetwaitress on March 17th, 2008
Jenny, I vowed on the day Al Gore invented the internet to defile it as often as I can for as long as it or I existed.
Daisy, They are Valium.
Quelqoth, I have never had the pleasure of stepping in Pokemon shit, so I have no frame of reference. I did however, accidentally step in teletubbie crap once. It must have been tinky’s because I was gay for a week.
Kyknoord, It also works well to the melody of Peter, Paul, and Mary’s if I had a hammer.
Gullbogan, Like I said I will never give up. No matter what the F.C.C. says.
Blonde, Nothing like a fiber filled blog to make you shit.
Nursemyra, I can crush aluminum cans and open pickle jars with it. Among other things.
Gypsy, That is just how dedicated I am to ya’ll.
Moooooog, Coochy Coochy Coochy.
Woeful, Yup! Almost as much dedication as I put into torturing my cat.
Axey, I took a holiday, and when I came back the world was in chaos. The poles had shifted. The sea level had rose, and the global climate had increased in temperature by an average of two point four degrees.
upsetwaitress on March 17th, 2008
Moi, I don’t believe the talent is in balancing the two together. It also helps that most of my readers are almost as twisted as I.
Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur on March 17th, 2008
Can’t do it. It is the only thing that keeps me sane as everything around me becomes more insane.
she on March 17th, 2008
Dear God, child. will yer bloggin interfere with celebrating my feast day? i dont know if i can even find a corned beef hash in that tomaine palace you call work! nevertheless, i bring you blessings, promise to banish all snakes and serpents from you life, and leave with you a bouquet of shamrocks and bells of ireland….and OF COURSE a pint of guiness as well.
she on March 17th, 2008
shit! that was supossed to be st patrick! fucken wordpress.
pajama momma on March 17th, 2008
If I had lost my arms, I would just type with my nubs. If I lost my nubs, I would type with my toes. If my feet fell off, I would type with my knees………………
Oh this is great! I now have a bedtime story for my kids tonight. This puts Runaway Bunny to shame.
Vanessa on March 17th, 2008
WOW! You really did think of everything!
Buffalo on March 17th, 2008
Sister, you lend new and expanded meaning to the word “twisted.”
sohos on March 17th, 2008
I agree I have been having the WORST blogging with drawls since I started this new job!
Manuel on March 17th, 2008
don’t even think about it……
Native Minnow on March 17th, 2008
Can I type with your breasts?
Mark on March 18th, 2008
“…If I had lost my arms, I would just type with my nubs…”
Sounds so much like a Simon & Garfunkel song.
Caty Stevens, actually…
walker on March 18th, 2008
I can…………………..ok I can’t
Heff on March 18th, 2008
I like to drink and blog as well. I’ve quit a million times…..
Folly on March 18th, 2008
DD quit cold turkey ’cause she got a job. Yeah, I know. I have one of those too but I still do it.
LBB on March 19th, 2008
God bless your cotton socks for your commitment to blogging.
I feel the same.
BDS on March 19th, 2008
This should be sent to all people who start a blog - set the bar high. Great post.
And you can always find time to blog as it’s simply a matter of when and how much you might have had to drink.
upsetwaitress on March 19th, 2008
Blackiswhite, Nothing has become more insane, you merely haven’t managed to drink it all away.
She, You can blame it on wordpress if you want, but I know it was all the green beer.
Pajama, That’s one way to screw them up.
Vanessa, Yes I did, and then I wrote that other crap.
Buffalo, That reminds me of the band I was in in high school. cysted twister.
Sohos, It is clearly time to stop working.
Manuel, Too late.
Minnow, Only if you pay for the operation and those time machine plans.
Mark, Fine. You got me. I took that from a little known song call would you still write me if…
Walker, You shouldn’t.
Heff, Which, drinking or blogging?
Folly, Good for you.
LBB, But I wear wool.
BDS, Why? Do you wish to scare them?
The Snarkiest on March 20th, 2008
I would type with my…genitalia….voluptuous breasts…massive mammaries…my tongue….
Now you are just intentionally leading me on. I guess I need to add you to my Blogroll.
Beaverboosh on March 21st, 2008
The pharma industry is working on Bloggers Imodium. It’s not a cure, but may offer some relief.
azahar on March 21st, 2008
The diving-bell and the upset waitress … hey, why not¿