There’s only one good thing about Easter and that is the candy. I love hollow and solid milk chocolate bunnies. There is just something about chewing the head off of a fuzzy woodland creature and not getting fur between your teeth or blood stains on your Easter dress and bonnet.
The bad thing about Easter is Peeps. Eating peeps is like snacking on a pillow marinated in sweat that’s sprinkled with toasted dust mites. I’ve come to the conclusion that the sugar coated fluffy is simply for decoration to fill a gap in the basket. Peeps are Easter fruitcake. They have a shelf life of infinity squared multiplied by Phi to the nth plus eight years.
The ugly side of Easter are the boiled eggs. When you cook them they make your whole house smell like a Godzilla fart. Then you color them with food color, making designs and a huge mess of your kitchen. Last year my kid tried so hard to color Easter eggs in our tub but he couldn’t because he swore I had rotted internally and shit my pants and ran screaming for dear life. It took until August to get that stench from my curtains and upholstery. Of course that’s when we found the other half dozen that we had hidden.
The only thing I don’t understand is, what the hell some basket leaving, egg shitting rabbit has to do with the resurrection of Christ. This holiday originally was a festival of fertility celebrated by predominantly female religions which were declared heretics by the church and burned at the stake. MMMM barbecued pagan. I must be getting hungry. In case I don’t have another chance to blog between now and Easter(yeah right), have a Hoppy bunny day.
29 Responses to ' The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly Sides Of Easter. '
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on March 19th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
You know, I never thought of the peeps = fruitcake analogy. It’s as if I’m suddenly seeing the world in a new light. Everything makes more sense now.
on March 19th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Ali, Sorry. I didn’t mean to open your eyes.
on March 19th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
But I like to watch the disappointment in my boys’ eyes when they see the Peeps. Its almost like they are saying “Daaaaddd. Why do you hate us so much?” Mheh.
on March 19th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Biw, Haha try giving them the goo filled eggs this year.
on March 19th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
I like fruit cake.
on March 19th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Bunny = Vibrator = Female orgasm = Resurrection.
These deep connections are making you moan with pleasure.
on March 19th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Breaking news: Easter has been canceled. They found the body…
(totally. going. to. hell.)
on March 19th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
My Dad said that last year he ate 117 Peeps. He kept a record of them He said he had a Peep monkey on his back.
on March 19th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
I’d like to know that myself. It’s as messed up as Christmas! Ok, chop down those tress, move them inside. Take all those lights, move them outside. Lastly, hang all your socks on the fireplace. PERFECT!
on March 19th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Daisy, Ohhhhhhh 100% Blasphemy. In other words, Jesus is coming, but he pulled out.
sohos, In my Peep research, I discovered a lot of people eat them stale. They like to let them sit open for a few weeks before consumption. Does your dad like them hard? or soft?
Vanessa, Perfect economical bullshit!
on March 19th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Wow, I’m pretty sure I’m going to be struck by lightning just for reading these comments.
As for the Easter candy, most definitely the best time of year. Cadbury Creme Eggs and Mini Eggs = Bliss.
on March 19th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Peeps used to be Easter Food but now they have them for EVERY Holiday so, to me, they’ve lost their “value”. Old marshmallow bunnies? Now that’s Easter Candy.
on March 19th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
I don’t boil my eggs. Instead, I blow them. Great foreplay for the husband to watch, plus I get that dizzy, loopy feeling and he pretends he’s fucking some drunk chick from college.
Go Easter!!!
on March 20th, 2008 at 2:06 am
Plus eight years? God, that’s a long time.
on March 20th, 2008 at 4:46 am
barbecued pagan sounds pretty yummy to me
on March 20th, 2008 at 6:29 am
I liked the BBQ pagan too. It is bound to be better than peeps.
on March 20th, 2008 at 8:32 am
F’ing Ay.
Peeps are marshmallow chickens?!?
I’ve been stuffing the friends of Hip-Hop rappers into my kid’s baskets.
Hopefully, they suffocate in there before Easter.
Otherwise, it’s gonna be “pop-a-cap-in-your-ass” Hell come morning.
on March 20th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
cadbury chocolate eggs…delish…
on March 20th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Easter is my least favorite holiday, mostly for the reasons you mentioned.
Plus, my mom always insists on serving ham for dinner, not turkey.
Eff that!
on March 20th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
This sacred holiday was not “originally a fertility festival”. I’m beginning to think you don’t do any research at all before you post.
on March 20th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Minnow, Creamed eggs and spam is my favorite Easter story by Dr. soups.
Jenny, “Lost their value” So, what you are saying is that U.S. peeps are equal to Canadian peeps?
Blonde, Egg blowing is reserved for my boyfriend of the week’s birthday.
Kyknoord, Eight years only seems like a long time when you have a ding dong for a president.
Nursemyra, They taste better than pickled priests.
Admiral, Anything is better than peeps.
Moooooog, You have lucky children. They get something that has better taste. Except in music.
Savannah, Cadbury was my great aunt’s English butler’s name.
LBB, Tell her this year you want Hamms for Easter.
Reverend, Of course I don’t do any research before I write my post. If I did you wouldn’t have anything to bitch about except the alter boys. You need to go back and look past what they want you to know. The truth is out there. Answer me this: What started the civil war? THIS IS A TEST!
on March 20th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
gawd you are too much! if i could squeeze half of your funniness in my basket for Easter, AND i would even believe in the Easter Bunny Cottontail story!
Last post was even better. Giving up everything but blogging. i would give up blogging this instant if it was that vs a cocktail!
~ Cheers!
on March 21st, 2008 at 5:52 am
Easter in Norway holds many great pagan traditions. Originally a holiday dedicated to fertility, many an evening is spent hunting eggs for fertilizing. Christianity has had a strong impact with locals keen on crucifying immigrants! It is very hoppy time.
on March 21st, 2008 at 7:49 am
That sums it up pretty well. I told someone to bit a bunny’s head off for me this weekend just yesterday.
I’m partial to Cadbury’s (sp?) Creme Eggs as well. Fuck Peeps. THose things are absolutely disgusting.
on March 21st, 2008 at 11:38 am
The American Civil War? Many factors “started it”. Perhaps the most over-looked was the widely shared belief in the South that the Missouri Compromise had been made null-and-void by Congressional Chicanery.
on March 21st, 2008 at 1:09 pm
So *that’s* what Peeps are!
Suddenly a lot more of the internet makes sense.
on March 21st, 2008 at 1:46 pm
For me Easter means a week of unpaid ‘holidays’. Meh.
on March 22nd, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Wasn’t it Noel Coward that once said that: “Hell was other peeps.”
on March 22nd, 2008 at 5:57 pm
I’m jumping out on a limb here but I LIKE peeps. Yep. Stale sugar-coated marshmallow chicks.