Hot Chicks
I’m on this kick where I won’t eat animal products unless I raise and bludgeon the poor critters myself, or hunt it down and spear it to death. It just seems like the natural and healthy way to eat animals. Anyway, I bought my first two baby chickens. One complaint I have is they peep and peep and won’t shut up. I tried everything I could think of. Nothing was working. I finally got them to shut up by taping a picture of a golden brown, crispy, fried bucket of KFC in their pen. Then they started scratching as if they were trying to make it to China. Kind of like a dog does after taking a big crap. Only the chicks do it constantly, until I held up a stuffed toy Easter chick and cut it’s legs off. Now they won’t even scratch an itch. After I got the damn things to settle down I caught my son trying to cook them with a magnifying glass. Then I had to explain to him how I’m looking forward to ripping their heads off, plucking their plumage, sucking the seared flesh from their bones, then going on a few cruises . I told him if he screwed that up for me I would have him in a crock pot quicker than he could say pretty much any one letter word. That took care of all my distractions so I could get to what’s important. Writing a post for you people. 
Mark on April 15th, 2008
Tell your son we appreciate him taking one for the team!
Man, you’re RUTHLESS!!!
daisyfae on April 15th, 2008
i wouldn’t have the patience for ‘grow your own’ meat. i can’t stand waiting for the microwave to vulcanize my frozen dinners…
Upset Waitress on April 15th, 2008
Mark, You have no idea how ruthless I am.
Daisy, I don’t have the patience either. Tomorrow I have to buy two new chicks.
kyknoord on April 16th, 2008
Damn. My dinner invitation must have got lost somewhere along the way.
Gorilla Bananas on April 16th, 2008
Do they look at you as if you’re the Mother Hen?
Upset Waitress on April 16th, 2008
Kyknoord, I used it for a napkin cause those birds were juicy.
Gorilla, Right up until I bear my fangs.
Woeful on April 16th, 2008
At least you’re well aware of your priorities.
moooooog35 on April 16th, 2008
Your son needs to market that magnifying glass cooking technology with Ron Popeil.
That would be a bitchin’ infomercial.
blondefabulous on April 16th, 2008
The house I am now residing in is next door to a Latin American family who have a whole flock of chickens. They are free roaming, and annoying as crap! Constantly crowing, scratching up the yard and generally being a pain in the ass. Now I have the fun of cleaning up the carcasses of the ones that always seem to die in my yard! Yeesh! My neighbors are gonna start getting the dead ones in a lit paper bag on their front porch! Watch as I ring the doorbell and runnnnnnnnnnnn!
Buffalo on April 16th, 2008
You are truly a problem solver.
Eric on April 16th, 2008
… that’s just twisted….. and marvelous…. thank you…
walker on April 16th, 2008
Why wait when you could just put them in the microwave now and have pop corn chicken
Tony on April 17th, 2008
i’d hate to see what happens to the marshmellow peep version of these chicks!
Beaverboosh on April 18th, 2008
Delighted to hear you are getting back to basics. We are a small but strong movement. I will only rear my own meat!