I’m on this kick where I won’t eat animal products unless I raise and bludgeon the poor critters myself, or hunt it down and spear it to death. It just seems like the natural and healthy way to eat animals. Anyway, I bought my first two baby chickens. One complaint I have is they peep and peep and won’t shut up. I tried everything I could think of. Nothing was working. I finally got them to shut up by taping a picture of a golden brown, crispy, fried bucket of KFC in their pen. Then they started scratching as if they were trying to make it to China. Kind of like a dog does after taking a big crap. Only the chicks do it constantly, until I held up a stuffed toy Easter chick and cut it’s legs off. Now they won’t even scratch an itch. After I got the damn things to settle down I caught my son trying to cook them with a magnifying glass. Then I had to explain to him how I’m looking forward to ripping their heads off, plucking their plumage, and sucking the seared flesh from their bones. I told him if he screwed that up for me I would have him in a crock pot quicker than he could say pretty much any one letter word. That took care of all my distractions so I could get to what’s important.
14 Responses to ' Hot Chicks '
Leave a reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
on April 15th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Tell your son we appreciate him taking one for the team!
Man, you’re RUTHLESS!!!
on April 15th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
i wouldn’t have the patience for ‘grow your own’ meat. i can’t stand waiting for the microwave to vulcanize my frozen dinners…
on April 15th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Mark, You have no idea how ruthless I am.
Daisy, I don’t have the patience either. Tomorrow I have to buy two new chicks.
on April 16th, 2008 at 12:53 am
Damn. My dinner invitation must have got lost somewhere along the way.
on April 16th, 2008 at 1:01 am
Do they look at you as if you’re the Mother Hen?
on April 16th, 2008 at 6:03 am
Kyknoord, I used it for a napkin cause those birds were juicy.
Gorilla, Right up until I bear my fangs.
on April 16th, 2008 at 6:50 am
At least you’re well aware of your priorities.
on April 16th, 2008 at 7:20 am
Your son needs to market that magnifying glass cooking technology with Ron Popeil.
That would be a bitchin’ infomercial.
on April 16th, 2008 at 11:00 am
The house I am now residing in is next door to a Latin American family who have a whole flock of chickens. They are free roaming, and annoying as crap! Constantly crowing, scratching up the yard and generally being a pain in the ass. Now I have the fun of cleaning up the carcasses of the ones that always seem to die in my yard! Yeesh! My neighbors are gonna start getting the dead ones in a lit paper bag on their front porch! Watch as I ring the doorbell and runnnnnnnnnnnn!
on April 16th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
You are truly a problem solver.
on April 16th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
… that’s just twisted….. and marvelous…. thank you…
on April 16th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Why wait when you could just put them in the microwave now and have pop corn chicken
on April 17th, 2008 at 8:32 am
i’d hate to see what happens to the marshmellow peep version of these chicks!
on April 18th, 2008 at 5:10 am
Delighted to hear you are getting back to basics. We are a small but strong movement. I will only rear my own meat!