Hot Chicks

I’m on this kick where I won’t eat animal products unless I raise and bludgeon the poor critters myself, or hunt it down and spear it to death. It just seems like the natural and healthy way to eat animals. Anyway, I bought my first two baby chickens. One complaint I have is they peep and peep and won’t shut up. I tried everything I could think of. Nothing was working. I finally got them to shut up by taping a picture of a golden brown, crispy, fried bucket of KFC in their pen. Then they started scratching as if they were trying to make it to China. Kind of like a dog does after taking a big crap. Only the chicks do it constantly, until I held up a stuffed toy Easter chick and cut it’s legs off. Now they won’t even scratch an itch. After I got the damn things to settle down I caught my son trying to cook them with a magnifying glass. Then I had to explain to him how I’m looking forward to ripping their heads off, plucking their plumage, sucking the seared flesh from their bones, then going on a few cruises . I told him if he screwed that up for me I would have him in a crock pot quicker than he could say pretty much any one letter word. That took care of all my distractions so I could get to what’s important. Writing a post for you people. :)

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14 Comments so far

  • Mark on April 15th, 2008

    Tell your son we appreciate him taking one for the team!

    Man, you’re RUTHLESS!!!

  • daisyfae on April 15th, 2008

    i wouldn’t have the patience for ‘grow your own’ meat. i can’t stand waiting for the microwave to vulcanize my frozen dinners…

  • Upset Waitress on April 15th, 2008

    Mark, You have no idea how ruthless I am.

    Daisy, I don’t have the patience either. Tomorrow I have to buy two new chicks.

  • kyknoord on April 16th, 2008

    Damn. My dinner invitation must have got lost somewhere along the way.

  • Gorilla Bananas on April 16th, 2008

    Do they look at you as if you’re the Mother Hen?

  • Upset Waitress on April 16th, 2008

    Kyknoord, I used it for a napkin cause those birds were juicy.

    Gorilla, Right up until I bear my fangs.

  • Woeful on April 16th, 2008

    At least you’re well aware of your priorities.

  • moooooog35 on April 16th, 2008

    Your son needs to market that magnifying glass cooking technology with Ron Popeil.

    That would be a bitchin’ infomercial.

  • blondefabulous on April 16th, 2008

    The house I am now residing in is next door to a Latin American family who have a whole flock of chickens. They are free roaming, and annoying as crap! Constantly crowing, scratching up the yard and generally being a pain in the ass. Now I have the fun of cleaning up the carcasses of the ones that always seem to die in my yard! Yeesh! My neighbors are gonna start getting the dead ones in a lit paper bag on their front porch! Watch as I ring the doorbell and runnnnnnnnnnnn!

  • Buffalo on April 16th, 2008

    You are truly a problem solver.

  • Eric on April 16th, 2008

    … that’s just twisted….. and marvelous…. thank you…

  • walker on April 16th, 2008

    Why wait when you could just put them in the microwave now and have pop corn chicken

  • Tony on April 17th, 2008

    i’d hate to see what happens to the marshmellow peep version of these chicks!

  • Beaverboosh on April 18th, 2008

    Delighted to hear you are getting back to basics. We are a small but strong movement. I will only rear my own meat!

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