Upset Tomato
I did some gardening today and had the sudden urge to screw with a tomato plant that just won’t grow. It is so ugly that I use it to scare aphids away from the rest of the garden. The leaves don’t just fall off, they run away. It was in desperate need of a transplant and since I’m not a mater hater, I took action. After hours of consideration and deliberation I decided I needed another bottle of liquor and a usb flash drive. All that thinking made me thirsty. I had to go to the booze barn several times before I figured out what to do. I used this empty dog biscuit container and cut a hole on the open other end end of the container. Yea I was drunk, but I did this on purpose. Anyway, I shoved the heirloom through the hole upside down. Yes upside down. If it won’t grow right being upright, then maybe it will grow left being root side up. I don’t know if it will work considering my thinking is slurred. Regardless, it’s supposed to be spaghetti sauce, not a fucking Amorphophallus Titanum (look it up it’s funny). I am so gonna go Heinz and stomp the first few tomatoes into ketchup. If it won’t fruit then I will break out the goat. I am sure he will enjoy getting out of the bathroom for a while.
azahar on April 18th, 2008
Wow! A giant misshapen penis plant that smells of decomposing mammal? If you made that up nobody would believe you.
kyknoord on April 18th, 2008
Perspective is a beautiful thing. Whenever it feels as though my inexorable slide into insanity is accelerating, I come here and my mood improves considerably.
axe on April 18th, 2008
The best thing about the Amorphophallus Titanum is that to make it flower you have to rub it with your hands just as if you were masturbating a penis. What makes this such a TV delight for small boys the world over is when it is handled by a female gardener. Much tiittering ensues. Trust me, I am a rock n’ roll gardener!
Beaverboosh on April 18th, 2008
Look, I don’t know what you have against giant penis shaped tom plants, they strive for this in Italy, and some parts of Spain. Maybe you should try your green thumb at cucumbers to release some of that gardening tension.
USA_Admiral on April 18th, 2008
WOW, Talk about thinking out of the box.
Why would anyone look up “Amorphophallus Titanum.”
It would make a great monster movie; “Attack of the Amorphophallus Titanum.” It would be R rated.
moi on April 18th, 2008
Moi’s next book: Everything I Needed to Learn in Life About Child Rearing and Gardening I Learned From Upset Waitress.
Bob Wire on April 18th, 2008
Well, if drinking and gardening ain’t the perfect antidote to a day of slinging eggs, I don’t know what is. Let us know if you figure out a way to grow an Amorphophallus titanum horizonally.
Jenny on April 18th, 2008
G.U.I. again, eh?
daisyfae on April 18th, 2008
like the approach to dealing with a wayward tomato plant. wonder if that works on juvenile delinquents? The Boy is through his “phase” (i hope) but if not, i’m thinking he’d make a nice addition to the gazebo out back…