I did some gardening today and had the sudden urge to screw with a tomato plant that just won’t grow. It is so ugly that I use it to scare aphids away from the rest of the garden. The leaves don’t just fall off, they run away. It was in desperate need of a transplant and since I’m not a mater hater, I took action. After hours of consideration and deliberation I decided I needed another bottle of liquor. All that thinking made me thirsty. I had to go to the booze barn several times before I figured out what to do. I used this empty dog biscuit container and cut a hole on the open other end end of the container. Yea I was drunk, but I did this on purpose. Anyway, I shoved the heirloom through the hole upside down. Yes upside down. If it won’t grow right being upright, then maybe it will grow left being root side up. I don’t know if it will work considering my thinking is slurred. Regardless, it’s supposed to be spaghetti sauce, not a fucking Amorphophallus Titanum (look it up it’s funny). I am so gonna go Heinz and stomp the first few tomatoes into ketchup. If it won’t fruit then I will break out the goat. I am sure he will enjoy getting out of the bathroom for a while.
9 Responses to ' Upset Tomato '
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on April 18th, 2008 at 3:18 am
Wow! A giant misshapen penis plant that smells of decomposing mammal? If you made that up nobody would believe you.
on April 18th, 2008 at 4:47 am
Perspective is a beautiful thing. Whenever it feels as though my inexorable slide into insanity is accelerating, I come here and my mood improves considerably.
on April 18th, 2008 at 4:47 am
The best thing about the Amorphophallus Titanum is that to make it flower you have to rub it with your hands just as if you were masturbating a penis. What makes this such a TV delight for small boys the world over is when it is handled by a female gardener. Much tiittering ensues. Trust me, I am a rock n’ roll gardener!
on April 18th, 2008 at 5:16 am
Look, I don’t know what you have against giant penis shaped tom plants, they strive for this in Italy, and some parts of Spain. Maybe you should try your green thumb at cucumbers to release some of that gardening tension.
on April 18th, 2008 at 6:35 am
WOW, Talk about thinking out of the box.
Why would anyone look up “Amorphophallus Titanum.”
It would make a great monster movie; “Attack of the Amorphophallus Titanum.” It would be R rated.
on April 18th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Moi’s next book: Everything I Needed to Learn in Life About Child Rearing and Gardening I Learned From Upset Waitress.
on April 18th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Well, if drinking and gardening ain’t the perfect antidote to a day of slinging eggs, I don’t know what is. Let us know if you figure out a way to grow an Amorphophallus titanum horizonally.
on April 18th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
G.U.I. again, eh?
on April 18th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
like the approach to dealing with a wayward tomato plant. wonder if that works on juvenile delinquents? The Boy is through his “phase” (i hope) but if not, i’m thinking he’d make a nice addition to the gazebo out back…