Eco Vodka.

April 18th, 2008 Upset Waitress | 8 Comments »

Someone told me that I would be helping the environment if I buy McCormick 360 vodka. This is fanfuckingtabulous. So how do they make the vodka eco friendly? This is my guess…

First thing they do is put on a pair of disposable plastic gloves, because reusing gloves is just gross, and they sanitize all of their equipment with recycled bilge water. Then they mash up a bunch of rotted roots on weight benches, which emits the same greenhouse gases a landfill or flatulent herd of cattle does. Just ignore this. Then they distill the mash utilizing solar and wind energy. They distill the potato mash over and over until the test rats die from the fumes. So to get a smooth vodka, they filter it through twenty dirty jock straps to give it that aged flavor. Eventually they dilute it with recycled toilet water. Using hydro-electricity they package it all up in used shampoo bottles. Finally, it is delivered to thousands of Russian sailors by carrier vulture. They also use pigeons, but only to stock the hotel mini bars.

8 Responses to ' Eco Vodka. '

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  1. Woeful said,

    on April 18th, 2008 at 10:15 pm

    Nice try… Actually is just the evaporated sweat of millions of Russian men, whose life expectancy, incidentally, is roughly 59 years, mostly due to alcoholism. Nostrovia!

  2. Vanessa said,

    on April 19th, 2008 at 1:06 am

    Sign me up!


  3. on April 19th, 2008 at 5:40 am

    Put all your sweat in it, baby, the alcohol kills the germs.

  4. daisyfae said,

    on April 19th, 2008 at 10:00 am

    well, at least it’s not the recycled grain alcohol used in hospitals for swabbing out wounds. Ewww… i think i grossed myself out…

  5. Mark said,

    on April 19th, 2008 at 10:24 am

    If they really wanted to be green and recycle, they’d just have the homeless piss in bottles and sell it.

    That’s low overhead and eco-friendly, baby!!

  6. Mel said,

    on April 19th, 2008 at 1:35 pm

    In spite of all of your silly topics, you really are a good writer. I really enjoy your stuff.

    Mel

  7. Jenny said,

    on April 20th, 2008 at 11:28 am

    when Vodka goes “green” you know we’ve gone too far.

  8. moooooog35 said,

    on April 21st, 2008 at 8:01 am

    Just when I’m about to patent my Moonshine technique, you tell me this.

    Spies, I tell you…spies.

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