Eco Vodka.
Someone told me that I would be helping the environment if I buy McCormick 360 vodka. This is fanfuckingtabulous. So how do they make the vodka eco friendly? This is my guess…
First thing they do is put on a pair of disposable plastic gloves, because reusing gloves is just gross, and they sanitize all of their equipment with recycled bilge water. Then they mash up a bunch of rotted roots on weight benches, which emits the same greenhouse gases a landfill, or flatulant herd of cattle does. Just ignore this. Then they distill the mash utilizing solar and wind energy. They distill the potato mash over and over until the test rats die from the fumes. So to get a smooth vodka, they filter it through twenty dirty jock straps to give it that aged flavor. Eventually they dilute it with recycled toilet water. Using hydro-electricity they package it all up in used shampoo bottles. Finally, it is delivered to thousands of Russian sailors by carrier vulture. They also use pigeons, but only to stock the hotel mini bars.
Woeful on April 18th, 2008
Nice try… Actually is just the evaporated sweat of millions of Russian men, whose life expectancy, incidentally, is roughly 59 years, mostly due to alcoholism. Nostrovia!
Vanessa on April 19th, 2008
Sign me up!
Gorilla Bananas on April 19th, 2008
Put all your sweat in it, baby, the alcohol kills the germs.
daisyfae on April 19th, 2008
well, at least it’s not the recycled grain alcohol used in hospitals for swabbing out wounds. Ewww… i think i grossed myself out…
Mark on April 19th, 2008
If they really wanted to be green and recycle, they’d just have the homeless piss in bottles and sell it.
That’s low overhead and eco-friendly, baby!!
Mel on April 19th, 2008
In spite of all of your silly topics, you really are a good writer. I really enjoy your stuff.
Mel
Jenny on April 20th, 2008
when Vodka goes “green” you know we’ve gone too far.
moooooog35 on April 21st, 2008
Just when I’m about to patent my Moonshine technique, you tell me this.
Spies, I tell you…spies.