One of my most favorite co-workers has been out of work for the past 2 weeks because she is about to shit out a baby. Anyway, some of us gals got together and decided we should get her a couple of things to help her out so she can hurry it up and get back to work bla bla. One girl got her a baby blanket, another bought her some bottles. I was stumped for a while. Do I get her a cage for the kid? How about a training collar that shocks it every time it tries to cry for the tit. Then when I was at a garage sale I came across a used nursing pump. It was old and crusty. Of course I immediately thought this would be the perfect gift. After all it’s not as if I actually like her. Besides there is only a little bit of mildew and mold. What the hell is a nursing pump except an excuse to ignore your baby when it needs you most. I don’t know, but I assume you clearly want no part of the kid if all you are going to do is stick this contraption on your tit and siphon the milk into bottle so you can shove it into the infants face while you finish your crossword puzzle and talk to your friends online. This pump is so old she will have to get her handy man to jury rig a new handle, or she will get splinters in her hands. Oh, and then I found some matching stained bibs. The were so cute. All of the regurgitated food made murals of biblical scenes. One was an image of the virgin Mary. Another was of Noah scraping animal crap out of his ark. My favorite however, was the one that depicted the last supper. I just thought it was some how fitting for a bib, and somewhat ironic. If you are expecting a rug rat, let me know. I am sure I can get you something wonderful. Much like I did for the co-worker who’s dumb enough to let me know she was having baby.