The boss man has been on vacation, so I’ve been stuck at his house watching his evil kitty cat. You just don’t know how rotten this furry gremlin is. Anyway, that’s for another day. So the boss man called me yesterday and told me to expect a BIG delivery. I’m like, whatever. He has been getting tons of shit in the mail. Rifles, blow-up dolls, penis pills, you get the idea. At three in the afternoon someone was beating on the door waking me up. Naturally I was hungover, but I was more miffed that the man came so fricking early and interrupted my sex dream about Brad Pitt. I signed the delivery receipt and promptly went back to hangover heaven. Come to find out, the boss man ordered a brand new ford f 150 . I saw his shiny black chariot parked under the nearest coconut tree. It took me two hours of searching, but I found the keys in a package at the front door. The only reason it took so long is because I’m used to crawling in and out of windows so it didn’t occur to me to use the front door where the messenger had left the box with the keys. I decided to hop inside its colossal cab. Just to try it on for size. Wow! It was roomier then any of the seedy motel rooms I been in. It didn’t smell like moldy cheese like them either. I thought I looked pretty good in it so I decided to head down to the local watering hole to see if I could pick up a hot man. Well actually I just wanted a drink. The hot man was just someone to buy it for me. It was like driving a felt pad over polished marble. Smoother then Petron tequila. There were lots of button thingies inside the cab that had lots of unique duties. One button moved around mirrors. Another button I pushed asked me all sorts of questions so I smacked it. There was even one button just to make the other buttons light up. After a few drinks I decided to see what it was made of. I noticed right off the bat that it had a lot of horse power. I nearly spun the tires bald pulling out of the bar parking lot. I got it up to a hundred twenty miles an hour in less than a mile. Then I decided it was time to test the breaks. I almost flew through the windshield but I never lost control. After a short drive I headed back to the bar because my buzz was wearing off.
At some point, I lost my keys somewhere so I just randomly punched some buttons that fricking located the keys for me. Apparently I was using them to stir my drink. When I got in and started the truck up, it told me to make a left then a right turn. I got annoyed at how pushy it was being, so punch punched Tom-Tom Until till he shut the fuck up and gave a dying sizzle of it’s wires. I even had an announcement that my headlights were about to turn on. I told it to shut up or it would end like Tom-Tom. I swear this truck was like Kit from “Knight Rider” only bigger and had a sexier voice. When I got back to my boss’ house I accidentally ran it into the palm tree. Of course I didn’t want him to find out about it, so I pushed into a nearby canal. When he called me that night to ask about it, I told him it never arrived. I can’t wait to get one for myself. It had to be one of the best trucks I have ever driven.