It’s another food holiday already. I’ve got so many cavities from last easter as it is. Not to mention I broke a tooth on last years candy canes. Anyway, at least Thanksgiving isn’t about candy. It’s about gravy. It’s about shoving food up a turkeys ass before consuming it. It’s about eating crappy vintage canned foods like cranberry sauce and pumpkin puree and all that other once a year crap on paper plates. It’s about my guts playing Ephedrasil hardcore while stinking up the outhouse. Thanksgiving is not just about crappy food though. Throw some of your worst enemies into that equation. How I understand it is, this holiday is about being thankful to eat gravy with the family members you hate the most. I mean I like my kid and all, but I really can’t stand all the others. I have to take seven Xanax and drink a six pack just to work up the nerve to even drive over there. Just watching them losers shove their faces makes me sick. Anyway, my mom wants me to bring a side dish instead of the dessert this year. I guess that Jell-O I brought to last years dinner didn’t go over to well because of all the vodka that was in it. My nieces and nephews were the only ones to eat it anyway so I don’t get what the bitching was about. Well, apparently since I split my mom in two, she’s always wanted a peaceful dinner. Which is next to impossible. I won’t allow that to happen, plus, my family puts the dys in functional. We don’t even pretend that we like each other. Actually, every Thanksgiving I come to my mothers house, I arm myself with arsenic. I dump it into the bilge water she calls sun tea. At least my aunt Bitch drinks it even though she hates it. Whatever, now I have to think of a side dish for Thurday’s hell. I guess what I’m trying to say is, pilgrims suck.