I can finally give a legitimate reason for not sucking my old mans nuts. Nuts are bad for you MMMkay. Sure many people have developed allergies to nuts in recent years for some inexplicable reason. Now they are just poison. People are in danger of starving to death because I guess peanuts have contaminated every snack in the country. Don’t eat them Little Debbie’s or you will die, says CNN. I guess my son won’t be eating cookies for dinner tonight. I might actually have to rummage through the neighbors garbage to find something for him to eat. I have to hurry before the garbage truck gets here or he’ll have to lick the cats ass for sustenance again. I didn’t bother going to the bar last night because they didn’t have their usual free peanuts. Today they decided even crackers and ice cream is infected. Apparently China is painting all our food with lead paint again. Ooh, that gives me an idea. I have been saving some paint chips in my luggage since nineteen seventy-two. I should just make paint chip stew. I am sure it will be better for him than peanut butter. Of course, he may still want to lick the cats ass for dessert. At least it has more flavor and nutritional value than McDonald’s.

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