It’s that time of year where I get showered with the shittiest of shitty gifts. Nothing says “I love you” like a used Q-Tip. Which is pretty much what I consider this gift of cookies from a customer that hunted me down from a previous job only to have found me at my current one. Year after year she bakes a batch of “Oh my god what the fuck is that” and totes her pill popping ass over to wherever the hell I’m working and proudly gifts them to me. Then I act all thankful meanwhile inside I’m thinking “Just give me money bitch” but I can’t tell her that to her face because even though I’m not nice, she’s my Xanax source. These cookies are so bad they would make Jesus Christ jump back onto the cross, yet I always eat one cookie right in front of her and tell her how wonderful they are. Little does she know that as soon as she is out of sight I vomit and suck on a cat turd to get that taste out of my mouth. It’s important to puke it up because over the years I’ve learned that the only thing worse than eating her wretched cookies is smelling them after you crap them out. Besides I can’t afford to replace any more toilets. Why would I need to replace my toilet, you ask. It’s because the residue from the cookie frosting burns through the bowl. However, I don’t want hurt her feelings. I know, that’s so unlike me. But still… I smile and give a long “mmmmmmmmmmy god she fucking killed me this year for sure.” Thank goodness she had already walked away.
3 Responses to ' I’m Going To Assinate All My Ex’s With These Treats. '
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on December 17th, 2009 at 12:46 am
Lucky for you that you now know a cat on line huh?
PussDaddy
on December 17th, 2009 at 7:24 am
i think this is what happens when i give people the shit i bake. and yes, i actually bake shit.
on December 19th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Oh dear PussDaddy, I like licking a cats ass on my monitor because really I’m just cleaning all my boogers off it.
daisyfae, the cool thing about baking shit is it’s already seasoned and flavored. Don’t you agree?