http://upsetwaitress.com Just slinging eggs Fri, 18 Jul 2008 12:59:26 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en True Story. About this time last year a waitress was fired from her job at a Pizza Hut. Apparently she was more then upset at her manager for doing this, so she went and shot him to death. The authorities new it had to have been ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/07/18/dont-step-of-the-evidence/ I just wanted to remind everyone that I raise my own chickens. A few months ago I got me some big birds so I can eat their eggs. I have learned a lot about raising chickens, and thought I should share some of the things I have learned ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/07/11/things-ive-learned-about-flocking-chickens/ I Had to cook again today because the part-time cook we hired to replace the drunken cook who was deported, kept putting anthrax on the powered doughnuts. So we had to fire him. Who would have thought that an ex Iraqi army major would have a grudge against us here ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/07/10/cooking-lessons/ Yesterday as I fed my pet whale Jimmy, I noticed he had outgrown the champagne glass I had been keeping him in. So, I went to a store that sold fish supplies. I asked the clerk if he had a fairly large fish bowl. He showed me an assortment of ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/07/08/jimmys-new-home/ One of my most favorite co-workers has been out of work for the past 2 weeks because she is about to shit out a baby. Anyway, some of us gals got together and decided we should get her a couple of things to help her out so she can ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/07/08/pump-it-up/ I just love Sponge Bob Square Pants. I desperately wanted to go to the theater to see the movie when it came out but my 9yr old son thought there would be way too many hidden adult jokes in it. However, when it came out on dvd I totally ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/07/07/the-reality-of-sponge-bob/ The internet sucks. Everything about it sucks, and not having the internet sucks the big one. I have to physically leave my house to go to Mc-Fricking-Donalds with my power book to get online, or I am at an internet cafe where there is nothing but distractions. ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/07/07/i-wish-i-were-home-computing/ Restaurant Gal made it down to my neck of the mangroves this weekend. Complete with the chaos and a kid on her tit. Yes The Boy she had in tow, with his big bird looks, Slingbox, and Brad Pitt eyeballs, was a magical companion for my poop throwing ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/07/06/a-night-out/ I bought a new T.V. the other day and I can't get it to stop giving me the closed captioning. Now not only do I have to listen to the crap my old man watches, I have to read it too. I find that the words on the screen are ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/07/03/cctv/ Just in case I hadn't complained enough about computer crap I have one more thing to bitch about. I need a decent power supply. I often find that I run out of battery when I need my computer most, and of course I am never near an outlet. So I ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/07/02/power-me-up/ I had a wonderful post for everyone to read but since my internet is down, I had to go to a local coffee shop to get internet and when I logged on it messed with my computer memory. I LOST IT!! I want to get reliable internet at my house ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/07/02/i-need-interweb/ I hate grocery shopping. Actually I hate any kind of shopping. I simply can't stand the hoards of people pushing and shoving to get the last of an item of the shelf or to get a better position in the only checkout line open. I also have trouble deciding which ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/07/01/shop-till-you-drop/ Have you ever noticed how words have power? Few have more power than the word no. One such word is sale. This word will make most women giddy. It has the power to make children beg, or even do chores. Many people have been encouraged to camp out in the ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/29/word-power/ Look it here. This is my hand now. It will never be the same. Like dell memory, I never used it much anyway, so I'm not overly upset about it. Accept now it's ugly. It's not as ugly as George Bush or Don Imus, but ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/25/when-a-waitress-cooksherself/ Gays are allowed to get married in California now, which got me to thinking. How is it that a butthole can be the deciding factor for a legal marriage? That's just crappy. Is it really that big of a fricking deal to marry in the same ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/17/vaseline-stock-just-went-up/ Well it so happened that the drunken cook went to jail and then was deported so I'm stuck cooking until he swims back into the country. This will break up the monotony I guess. It will also give me a chance to really fuck with some food. If ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/13/respect-thy-cook/ I think I had mentioned before that I had been looking for a change of scenery. A new place to spit in peoples food. So, I have planed a trip to North Carolina. I called a few places to rent. I finally decided to rent from a place called Outer ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/12/wait-nc/ Recently the boss decided to add a new type of wine to the wine list. When the new wine arrived it occurred to me that something was wrong. Instead of ten bottles they sent ten cases. Each case had ten bottles. I immediately called the boss. He said just to ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/12/a-sticky-situation/ If you are anything like me you like to enjoy your dinner in the late afternoon or early evening. The only problem is I wanted to move my dining area outside. It makes it nice to watch the sunset. So, I shopped around for some patio furniture and bought a ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/12/a-place-to-sit/ After a twelve hour day it takes a bottle of tequilla, scotch, whiskey, and a few beers to start relaxing my neck muscles. Then after that a xanax or two because my head feels like someone on a treadmill has been jogging on my brain. Shortly there after I can ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/12/put-your-head-on-straight-2/ Life is short, health is fleeting. That's what the man who came to my door soliciting term life insurance quotes. I told him if he didn't get off my porch his beneficiary was going to be wealthy. I don't think he understood. He just continued on with his sales ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/12/the-death-of-a-salesman/ I was walking down the street the other morning when this "gentleman" offered to sell me a Patek Nautilus. I said to him, "I would but I have no use for a submarine. Even if it does go twenty thousand leagues under the sea." He gave me a funny look. ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/11/watch-this/ I don't lick customers toast because I'm hungry. I don't even like butter. The closest thing animal fat I will eat is used cisco, but there is something satiating about licking ones slice when I'm angry. It's no fun handling bread right after dipping my hands in money. ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/11/i-licked-your-toast/ The world must be on fertility drugs. I have received ten baby shower invitations this week. It seems no one has learned a damn thing from reading my posts. If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times, children make terrible house pets. Still everyone insists ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/08/fertile-mertyl-and-others/ I received this ad in my E-mail as if someone were paying attention to my every move. Having trouble losing weight? Now you can get Phentermine no prescription. It got me to thinking. I can't for the life of me understand why people don't just give up and eat ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/08/need-it-or-not/ I may be moving if the economy doesn't improve. To that end I have been looking at some Atlanta jobs. I think it may be time to move to the big city. I decided on Georgia so that I could stay close to my redneck roots. Maybe I'll move to ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/07/no-place-to-go/ I was thinking, and we all know how dangerous that can be. I decided that it was time for another vacation. The only questions left were where, when, and how much will it cost me. I did a little research on the Virgin Islands. After speaking to some one at ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/06/vacation/ I met a fellow blogger over the weekend. She was heading my way so we agreed to meet. I warned her that the Keys is a big dump, her hotel will be a dump, and that everything smells like someone took a big steamy dump. Except ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/05/if-it-looks-like-a-dump-smells-like-a-dump/ Last night I woke up in the middle of the night. I tried to go back to sleep. I counted sheep. When that didn't work I sheared them. Then I thought, what do people in drug treatment centers drink to go to sleep? Warm milk. So I went to the ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/06/03/cold-hot-apple-pie/ Today I asked my son if he knew what ellipticals were. He said, "Sure I do." "They are circles that got sat on." I laughed and told that that was not what I was talking about. "Then what are you talking about?" He asked. "I am talking about an ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/05/31/exercise-your-childs-mind/ I still hate him. He says he loves me. I think I hate him even more for that, because it makes it hard to hate him. BASTARD! Just when I decided that I was secure in my reasons for hating him, he has to give me new ones. It confuses ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/05/31/i-still-hate-him/ Being a woman sucks because you have to deal with men. The one in my life is a lazy, skinny, stinky, slob. I lost all respect for him because he's unmotivated and unambitious(jobless idiot). His taste in TV shows and movies suck the biggest of pricks(Mash, True Grit). ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/05/28/the-one-i-hate/ The price of oil hasn't put a dent into all the fuck holes that come here for the Memorial day weekend. No it hasn't. As a matter of fact, it's the opposite. Instead of a family of five in one mini-van, it's five families of five in ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/05/24/three-days-long-episode-i-the-maddness-begins/ A lot of things make me happy. I noticed today that the things that make me the happiest start with the letter "B". Blogging for example. Now combine that with Beer and this is how happy it makes me. Happier than a retard with a puh puh ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/05/22/what-makes-me-happy/ No. I am not talking about Hitlers youth. I'm talking about a Passover treat you just can't pass over. A Neo-Nazi taste creation. The food you'll love to hate. This is a side dish that allows the Jewish community to devour the Third Reich. That or wrap a piece of ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/05/21/the-nazi-tot/ Todays topic is Cock! Big, tough, head turning cock. So put on your exam gloves now. I ordered this cock the other day and can't wait to display it. I think I'll frame it in a pair of speedos. You can tell the artist really knows her cock. ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/05/16/this-is-no-ordinary-cock-no-sir/ Okay so this is what I have been doing for therapy the past couple of days. A nautical garden party all by myself. Well, I've had the company of tailless lizards. Anyway, everything you see here has been stolen or picked out of the dumpster. Stolen ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/05/14/198/ This is the newest addition to my garden. It's called a Dutchmans Pipe. It looks more like a Dutchwomans snatch if you ask me. I guess it would make a HDMI wall plate as well, but I can't tell you how much this reminds me of a ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/05/13/my-new-plant-looks-like-a-twat/ This is dedicated to all you inbred shits that panhandled for a month to take your mom-sister aunt Bubba to McDonalds for a fine dining experience. Why the hell did you come to my restaurant first? I mean, really. What about my restaurant made you think you could afford ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/05/11/fuck-your-mother-day/ I'm serious, quit having kids. Stop it. They are bad for the environment and they are terrible house pets. Most importantly, DO NOT CHANGE YOUR CHILD'S DIAPER IN THE DINNING ROOM OF YOUR EATING ESTABLISHMENT. I don't plop my ninety year old grandmother on the table ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/05/03/its-not-okay-to-change-a-shitty-diaper-in-public/ It's in a box and on the counter. Give me your money and get your ass out. No. You can't have more ketchup. No. You can't have extra fries. I'm not giving you a straw. We ran out of lids. If you don't shut them up, I am going to ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/05/01/i-hate-to-go/ A five gallon tub of mayo never came off the vendor's truck today. Being just a small breakfast/lunch joint, this made it impossible to function without it. It was like a black hole came down and sucked up the whole solar system or something. This nasty ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/04/28/yes-i-got-no-mayonnaise/ When I went to work today I decided it wasn't where I wanted to be. I really wanted to be at the bar. I made the mistake of telling the cook that. In the blink of an eye he had set up a bar in the scullery. I made a ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/04/25/trouble-on-my-feet/ I went in to work hung over today. It hadn't occurred to me that I put my clothes on over my silken teddy. We started to get busy around six-thirty in the morning. Eggs and hash never sounded so loud on the griddle. The smell of cheap perfume on the ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/04/24/whats-cookin/ Entropy is practically the story of my life. Naturally when one of my good buddies wrote a book titled Entropy: A Novel About Falling Apart, I asked him to give me a copy. He told me to buy it. I told him I was broke. He ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/04/22/another-screwed-up-mess-i-mean-entropy/ The Pope met George Bush the other day. They reminded me of Harry Potter and Dumbledoor on fat burners. The Pope then began his tour of two cities. One of the reasons he came to the U.S. was to talk with the people (alter boys) that had been molested by ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/04/21/a-papal-poll/ Someone told me that I would be helping the environment if I buy McCormick 360 vodka. This is fanfuckingtabulous. So how do they make the vodka eco friendly? This is my guess... First thing they do is put on a pair of disposable plastic gloves, because reusing ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/04/18/eco-vodka/ I did some gardening today and had the sudden urge to screw with a tomato plant that just won't grow. It is so ugly that I use it to scare aphids away from the rest of the garden. The leaves don't just fall off, they run away. It ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/04/17/upset-tomato/ I'm on this kick where I won't eat animal products unless I raise and bludgeon the poor critters myself, or hunt it down and spear it to death. It just seems like the natural and healthy way to eat animals. Anyway, I bought my first two baby chickens. ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/04/15/hot-chicks/ Booze + Students - Brains = Spring Break. This is a mathematical truth. I do believe Einstein would have made the Atom bomb for the Nazis if he knew about the spring break equation. After a long day of over privileged snot nosed kids without manners I want to ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/04/14/spring-break-is-broken/ Every day I have to face the ever popular question, "Is your fish fresh?". Today was no exception. I must have had a thousand people come to my restaurant here in the sport fishing capitol of the world and ask that stupid question. I have often entertained just smacking them. ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/04/12/is-your-fish-fresh/ Holy shit the restaurant has been busy. Busier then a dung beetle in a barn yard. Seriously that's what my market research told me. During my 10 hour shift I don't have time to piss. The urine just absorbs back into my body. If I were an ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/04/06/busier-than-a-cat-trying-to-bury-shit-on-a-tile-floor/ Today's special was turtle soup. It was very popular. Every table must have ordered two bowls of the crap. By the end of the day I was so sick of terrapin I got an attitude about it. You would think tourtis tastes terrible. They say it is made from sea ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/04/01/slow-soup/ How can you tell if your dog is retarded? You can simply ask him or if he starts acting like a human wearing vegan shoes, he is definitely retarded. Throw a blanket over him and see how long it takes him to get out. Another way to ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/03/30/untitled/ Don't throw that old bread away. It's still useful. You can sell it on ebay or make homemade croutons. Just scrape off the mold. Or leave it on. No one will notice after it's baked anyway. Quality isn't that important when it comes ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/03/28/gourmet-croutons/ Let me tell you about our white trash party Easter. Parking wasn't a problem since most of my family isn't allowed to drive. Everything was conducted outside because that's where the drinking began. Plus there wasn't enough room in my trailer. I mean most ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/03/26/spring-in-action/ Although every part of the Easter bunny can be used, some parts are better than others. I prefer the chops. The ribs are good, but the grill is so small. Some people like the tender loin. While admittedly a delicious cut of bunny, it should be reserved for those special ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/03/23/succulant-seared-easter-bunny-chops/ Lookey what happened in asshole island my town. A tourist killed an eagle ray. The ray flew out of the water like rays do and totally Irwined the tourist. Only she wasn't sticking her thumb up the ray's ass. Anywho, this lady was sunbathing on a ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/03/21/eagle-ray-killed-by-a-tourist/ There's only one good thing about Easter and that is the candy. I love hollow and solid milk chocolate bunnies. There is just something about chewing the head off of a fuzzy woodland creature and not getting fur between your teeth or blood stains on your Easter dress and bonnet. ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/03/19/the-good-the-bad-the-ugly-sides-of-easter/ I've quit smoking. I've quit eating junk. I've even quit drinking for a day(with drug rehabilitation), but I don't think I would ever be able to quit blogging, and since they don't make blogging anti-abuse drugs, a blogger just has to quit cold turkey. ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/03/16/im-not-giving-up-one-more-thing/ This is the link to buy a time machine on e-bay Now that I got Daisy's, Kyk's, and Minnow's attention: If I had all this money to waste I would definitely buy the plans for this time portal. I would have to hire someone to take the blueprint ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/03/14/im-going-to-travel-through-time-yesterday/ I thought I should share my two boobs worth on pilates. I always thought pilates was kind of like yoga on meth. I also thought it was a low impact exercise just for women too. Sort of like receiving oral sex. Come to think of it, there was ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/03/13/the-truth-about-pilates/ St. Patty's day is about as dumb as St. Valentines day. It's like any other day of drinking and doing all the drugs you can get your hands on. Accept on St. Patrick's day it's legitimate to sport the color green, have every red headed freak ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/03/11/may-you-choke-on-the-luck-of-the-irish/ I like to toss salad anytime I have a dinner party. Tossing salad is so simple, I can do it with my eyes closed. If you have big parties like I do, make sure you have something extra deep to hold all the stuff, like a Johnston ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/03/09/tossing-my-salad/ Have you heard of the magic pill "Chantix"? It's a blue pill that plays jump rope with the tiny threaded dots that are in your brain. In other words, it helps smokers quit. I am smoke-free for the first time in my adult life. Anyway, ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/03/06/the-great-american-smoke-out/ I have a confession. I'm a burnt out waitress. You can tell if your waitress is spent by simply investigating her body language. After sitting at a dirty table for 15 minutes she will walk up to you rolling her eyes and sighing. Then she will ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/03/04/the-beginning-of-the-end/ I really like going to the gym now. I don't like to go to hang out or anything. But all of a sudden, my ass is liking it. At first I hated it. The smell. ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/03/01/ambience/ Everyone who said "Ipod" are horrible guessers. My new toy is an Ipod Nano and it's nanoriffic. It's like a Triscuit covered in Cheez whiz. It's full of entertainment. Now on to my usual bullshit post. I went to the post office to get instructions on ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/29/its-all-about-the-details/ I got a new toy. No Moooooog35, not that kind of toy. This toy is rated E. It will fit in your mouth but you can't eat it. It is user friendly and host specific. It comes in the same colors as Mentos. It's unscented. ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/28/guess-what-i-got/ Most waitresses are fit. From the waist down. Our tummies are a different story. We tend to make a meal out of every dish before it is sent to the table. Once our shift is over we meet up at the bar for happy hour. ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/27/my-new-boyfriend-gym/ Does this punk remind you of a robot? This guy isn't wearing braces. He is wearing what they call "Grillz" and they cost about 10 government checks...depending on how many kids you don't support. Like solar panels, I think they harness energy from the sun. And ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/25/bbq-grillz/ Here's the link to the videos of Gene Simons dorking an itty bitty teeny weenie blonde bimbo Go ahead and put on your exam gloves and watch it, I'll wait. Now that you're back, what did you think? I figured It was about time I posted something to gross ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/24/kiss-me-not/ The doctor said my cholesterol was way off the scale. He told me to eat low fat, cholesterol free foods. So, I went shopping for agold bangle and food. Everything that fit in that category was twice as expensive as the food I normally buy. I bought egg whites, fat ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/23/nothing-to-eat/ What can I say about fish besides they smell like a girls locker room? Well the life of a fish sucks. They lay tons of eggs which are usually eaten. And the ones that aren't caviar on a Ritz cracker turn into baby fish. As ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/22/a-fish-story/ Today we got our food delivered. Everything seemed to be in order. Except, the hot dogs were smaller than normal. I called and asked our provider why they sent us different frankenfurters. The sales rep. assured me that I had been sent the same hot dogs that I always receive. ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/19/winter-wieners/ Lindsay Lohan posed nude to look like Marilyn Monroe in her famous 'Last sitting' photo shoot, for New York Magazine. Do humans have fleas? Anyway, when I look at this pic of Lindsay Lohan it conjures up images of an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka-dotted bikini. It makes ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/18/you-cant-polish-a-turd/ President's day is a stupid holiday. Even dumber is election day. So what am I to do on this day of awareness? First off when I think of president's, I think of Bush. When I think of Bush, I think of Busch beer. So I ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/17/busch-is-no-presidente/ Ever seen a waitress on Valentine's Day? We get lots of candy from our regulars. After a day of slinging hash, I had the pleasure of coming home with several red, heart shaped boxes full of chocolates. My boyfriend and son got all excited. At first ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/15/if-this-is-love-you-can-keep-it/ Now I am all for drug rehabilitation, but if this is how I'm going to look after being there for four days, count me out. I expect to look damn fine when I leave one of those centers. So what is Britney's excuse for looking worse? ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/13/rehab-is-for-quitters/ I got to thinking. Which gets me into trouble. What if I were to open my own business? I could be a professional dog walker. More and more professionals are getting dogs for companionship. Let's face it, dating is time consuming, and if they do meet ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/10/my-career-has-gone-to-the-dogs/ When I got back from my tour of Louisiana's prison system, I met a very nice young man who wanted to take me out for a date. We went out for a nice meal at a fancy restaurant. The ambiance was gentle and classy. Candle light and flowers, soft music ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/09/its-too-tiny/ It was a whirlwind of confetti and black face, beads and booze, floats and goats. That's right I said goats. There was one goat in particular that insisted on making me his friend. He followed me everywhere I went. I tried to shoo him away to no avail. I tried ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/08/fat-teusday-sat-on-me/ I want to give all my readers a fair warning. I am officially out of work. Add that to your unemployment rate figures Mr. President. I gave up. Of course I will be going back to work, but not until I get done taking a long ass vacation. ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/03/mardi-gras-hippie-style/ Lookie at my new waitress pen. I know what you're thinking, and no, I don't use it for dirty sexual things (accept the first time I opened it and pulled it from it's package). I mean, other people touch it. I even see them putting it in ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/03/write-or-wrong/ Have you seen my office? It's complete with a roll top desk, five computers, a bowl with a fish in it, and two leather office chairs. Now let me tell you about my leather office chairs. They are so comfy that I spend hours a ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/02/02/its-the-comfy-chair-for-you/ The paraplegic down the street decided to die a few nights ago. My boyfriend is a volunteer EMT and responded within seconds of the call. I guess he pounded on the mans chest and brought him back to life. Anyway, the paraplegic man ended up surviving and ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/01/31/death-on-wheels/ Do any of you live on a Highway? I do and let me tell you how it sucks $hit. First, whenever my dog has to go outside to take a crap he has to dodge all the traffic. He's come close a few times so his shit ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/01/29/life-in-the-fast-lane/ In the spirit of the two-thousand ten winter Olympics, we have decided to hold our own kitchen Olympics. I currently lead in the grease figure skating competition. The busboy is currently ahead of the rest of the staff as well as the visiting competitors in the serving tray luge. We ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/01/28/winter-wonderland/ As you know, I have no cooking skills what so ever. So every meal in my house is accompanied by some sort of hot sauce. Not only is hot sauce full of flavor, it disguises the shitty pile of crap you are trying to pass off as ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/01/27/harder-to-swallow-harder-to-shit/ This site has recently been a source of some mild controversy. (DRAMA!) To wit I have decided to add this informal binding disclaimer which will now appear on the top of the page, or at the bottom, or maybe in a window. Fine print? Who knows it ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/01/26/official-disclaimer/ My sons first favorite thing is to play. His second favorite thing is to eat food. So he really likes to play with his food. Tonight I cooked a good healthy T.V. dinner. Some sort of beef product, carrots and peas that came right out of ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/01/23/just-eat-it/ So I went to see the doctor today. He was a nice guy, but for a doctor, you would think he would be in better health. He was very large, Jaba The Hut large. He wasn't able to wear a white lab coat, he had to wear ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/01/22/under-pressure/ I was hoping that when this car came out it would make you smart. Unfortunately it couldn't teach Canadians how to drive. So I can't see how this car is any smarter than the mini van the Canuck's just pulled their seventy foot travel trailer to your ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/01/21/a-pimple-on-wheels/ I really like eating breakfast. So I got to thinking, which always gets me into trouble. I love Fruit loops. When the sun comes up I head strait for the bathroom. What? I'm only human. Then it's off to the kitchen for a big bowl of my ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/01/20/fruitloops-the-natural-way/ Where have all my buttons gone? I have looked everywhere. I searched under the couch and even under the cushions. I didn't find my remote but I found a whole meal. There was a chicken wing, five peas, some garlic toast, a baby carrot, and for dessert, ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/01/19/lost-remote-control/ I don't like cats. I mean, I really hate cats. There are 3 of them that were left here by the previous tenets. They are all probably incested too. Anyway, I got to thinking, which got me into trouble. What can I do to ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/01/18/more-than-one-way-to-skin-a-cat/ As with any restaurant, we run out of things and have to make special orders. This morning I received one such order. Only this one was special in the special table way. We had ordered eighty pounds of frozen French fries and six bags of parsnips. I was sent eight-hundred ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/01/18/the-french-fry-f-you-c-k-up/ I was peeking at my stats and lookie what we got here. "Wrap my c*ck with bacon". How does a keyphrase like that point someone to my innocent little waitress site? I mean, I like bacon and I like penis. So I got to thinking ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/01/16/porking-bacon/ So I heard that Britney Spears is converting to the Muslum faith. Many people are upset. Not me. If Muhamed or Allah wants some crazy twit, they can have her. I suppose it will be a welcome change from teaching a harem of virgins how to deep throat. I wonder ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/01/15/pop-goes-the-jihad/ I sat a party of five after Sunday service gossipers. One of them lifted her fork and shouted, "I don't like a dirty fork!" To which I replied: "Who wouldn't like a dirty fork? I like a dirty fork in the bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, living room, car, park, ... http://upsetwaitress.com/2008/01/13/who-wouldnt-want-a-dirty-fork/