I need to come up with a plan to keep my new puppy, Juanita Maria Anita Rosa Lopez Conseco, safe from household predators. She really really likes my discount furniture, especially the couch, so she protects it like it’s some kind of black pearl or something. Anyway, she fought the dust bunny off pretty well. After she won that battle, I went to fluff up the sofa pillow and noticed her angrily boxing with the ashes that fell off my cigarette. It was a tough fight but she totally went Rambo. Then she was standing vigilant on a potato chip crumb when a house fly came by and carried her away. Carefully I picked her off the fly paper and set her back on the potato chip throne. It was a close call but she totally stuck it to the fly.

I don’t get it, New yorkers are so fricking loud and obnoxious. Especially at the table. It’s like they all have hearing problems and have to speak like that wierd midget dude from the Wizard of Oz. The only thing worse than a group New yorkers at the table are New Yorkers moving next door. Yesterday a movers New York truck pulled in the driveway next door at eleven fifty-nine and fifty-nine seconds. They promptly began banging and clunking. Yelling and shouting and just being a general annoyance. So I went out and let my Rottwieler at them. Now they were screaming in terror as the dog was barking. As a result they didn’t get moved in until seven thirty the next night.