No Underpants, No Job.

July 3rd, 2009 | Comments(0)

I guess my white trash state of Florida had to implement a dress code for it’s state workers. Workers must wear panties, deodorant, and cover up all wounds. As far as the covering of wounds is concerned, I think it is a good idea because the last thing I want is for some cafeteria worker with festering pustules of staff oozing into the sloppy joe they are plating up for my kid to eat. That’s my job.
All the poor bastards getting Mesothelioma treatment will be out of a job too. Their wounds don’t heal and they’re constantly spitting up blood and lung cookies. The underwear thing makes no sense to me though. It’s not as if crotch crickets feel the urge to migrate from the steamy, smelly groin forest they currently reside in just because your sweaty ass chooses not to chaff. No more going commando, just means the secretary has to pull her underwear over after she hikes up her skirt to screw her way up the corporate ladder in state government. The deodorant thing, well that’s clearly discrimination against the Mexicans the state hires in order to offset the millions of dollars being funneled to the numerous Swiss bank accounts.

wii ain’t getting along.

July 1st, 2009 | * Comments(2)

Looky at my new toy. It’s a wii. I got the wii fit as well. It’s way different than my XBox. My XBox never told me off because I didn’t spend enough time on it. When I bought the wii I didn’t know I was spending $300 on a game system with a fucking attitude that suffers from separation anxiety. This thing tells me I’m fat, old, and slow all the time. It’s super nosy too and asks about other members of my family. Last night it asked about how my Aunt Martha was doing in rehab. WTF!!! And I’m sick of it constantly reminding me about having my strap on.

Buy Buy Billy.

June 29th, 2009 | * Comments(3)

Billy Mays is dead. Now who’s going to sell us crap we don’t need. I’m sure every pitchman in TV land will be attending the funeral though. The Sham-Wow prick will be there selling coffin gloss. Ronco will handle the food at the wake so he can “set it and forget it” all over the place. Susan Sommers will show up at the burial so she can pitch her new colorful pubic hair beads. Everyone will be really happy when Klee arrives with his ass cleansing kit for 5 easy payments of $19.99. But wait, if you act before the casket is lowered into the ground, he will throw in his dual action ass reamer. That’s a value of $499, yours free. Anyway, bye Billy. May you rest in peace and good luck selling baby Jesus bobble heads in heaven.

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